My boyfriend wants me to write about why I end up feeling so bad when I have a confrontation or when people think I have done something wrong, even if I haven't.
I guess it is that I really don't want to be seen as bad, and I take what others think of me to be the truth, even if I know they are wrong.
It's like all that matters is that others not think I am bad.
This holds me back, where I am afraid to advocate for myself for fear of seeming like I am taking too much.
It's much better if I just advocate for myself and stay firm with what feels fair to me and not get drawn into things that don't feel fair.
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I just feel so bad that the therapist might have thought that I was trying to take a session from her without paying. I would feel like a thief running away without paying.
I also sometimes feel like a thief if I get a lot of work done but people at work aren't sure about how much I am getting done.
What do I think would happen if they thought bad things about me? It would make me a bad person.
I guess in the job situation, it's my responsibility to make sure they know what I am doing. Being straightforward and doing a good job is enough.
What would happen if I were a bad person? My fears would be confirmed. Others would look at me with scorn. I would be chastised and shunned.
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Maybe the issue is that I don't have a strong enough tribe of people whom I know like me to keep me supported when other people might not like me.
Any checkout staff, random people I meet, etc. are my 'tribe' for now, so I feel really scared if they don't like me. (e.g. I don't have a huge social circle outside work, so what people at work think about me really matters to me.).
Also I end up being vulnerable with a number of people or caring about what they think, because I don't have that much regular support in my life anyway.
I guess the thing is to meet more people and have more regular social support, people who see me for how I want to be seen.
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