Making attachment challenges smaller rather than expecting myself to be normal immediately

I just had a good insight about the attachment disorder challenges.

I realize that if I am just easier on myself and more accepting of the way that distancing/separation are challenges for me, and if I try to ameliorate the suffering, then I am more likely to stay in good emotional condition where I can retain self-control.

I think what I've been doing is basically trying to become a normal person, as though I didn't have these challenges, as fast as possible by just expecting myself to handle any separation challenge through self-control alone.

But then after more and more of these challenges, where I'm keeping up a good face and denying the pain and stress I'm going through, one challenge at some point breaks my self-control and I crash.

Continual coping really is not a good long-term plan for optimal behavior and self-control. We are able to cope effectively and control ourselves for short periods, but when it goes on for days our ability goes down. There's such a thing as self-control fatigue, documented in research.

So the thing for me to do is to bite off small, manageable chunks of separation/attachment challenge. Like after this phone call, I'm going to sleep with one of his clothing items, just to feel safer, since it did make me scared about our closeness.

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I had a good breakthrough with my boyfriend, where the two of us finally realized that he probably has no idea what the abandonment triggers feel like for me because he hasn't experienced it in this way and does not have PTSD from it.

I said, 'Imagine that you are in a spaceship and you are sent out alone hurtling through space in a solo spaceship, and then all connection to earth and humanity is cut off, the power dies, and you will be alone forever and die in space.'

Even a mild separation or letting him get off the phone after what felt like an argument without making up can feel like that. There's this panicky feeling of, am I throwing myself to my doom if I let this separation happen?

It is really too bad I have baby PTSD. But it helps SO much that between the two of us, at least we have an acknowledgment that it might be more severe than he can understand. That helps so much.

I did have really good emotional control while we were talking. I've been doing really well lately. I think these binaural and subliminal tracks are helping, even if from placebo effect. If it's placebo effect, that would be impressive - that my body knew how to fix itself once given permission to do so.

I really do want to get over this.

Here's an interesting question. If I got over it, then what? I'd probably be closer with my boyfriend and see him more. Maybe that scares me a little bit. Maybe I need to work on feeling really excited about life without attachment disorder, and feeling ok with things that might happen if I didn't have it, in order to feel ok moving on.
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