Asking for as much as you'd like

A lot of my physical tension goes away when I realize that now, it's ok to feel. I realize that much of the diaphragm and abdominal tension I used to have was unnecessary and was related to being afraid to feel.

This reminds me a lot of anorexia treatment, where I was relieved to learn "It's ok to eat." It felt like a utopia being in treatment. It had been hard giving myself permission to eat more than the bare minimum I required (perhaps an analogy for how my dad seemed to want me to take only the minimum amount of time/energy/money from him), but now, every few hours, I had official permission from doctors to eat what felt like a fully ample amount of calories, and it was (to me) delicious food-- actual "real," prepared, normal foods like bagels and cream cheese, etc.

Far from being an unpleasant time for me, it was exciting and relieving and gave me so much optimism about this future where now I knew I could take based on what felt right to me, rather than the bare minimum so as not to upset others.

I think that's the key issue: that difference between feeling like it's ok to take the amount that feels right to you - so that you are listening to your own urges about how much you need - versus feeling so concerned about others (whether you are concerned about them getting by, or them getting mad at you) that you restrict yourself to the minimum you can get by with.

It's the difference between eating at a restaurant buffet with a family, where you can take as much as you like, versus eating at a family gathering where, when you are taking from any of the dishes that might not be ample enough to go around (e.g., a green bean dish), you are thinking about whether there will be enough for other people.

The lesson of the trauma process seems to be, it's ok now to ask for more and feel more emotionally than it used to be, both with your own body and with other people. It's ok to let your body guide you as to how much it wants to feel and ask for, rather than oppressing the body for the sake of not upsetting the apple cart.

I've sort of lost many of my inhibitions about asking for things. It's actually really helping me to protect myself better and to express what I'd like directly rather than being dissatisfied and getting upset about other things.

However it's causing some relationship imbalance because I'm being very free about asking but my boyfriend still doesn't feel free, based on his life situation, and then he gets upset with me for taking more than he takes.

Yesterday he said, "Wait, you think we should just ask for whatever we want, take as much as we want?" which seemed unbelievable.

Lots of people get upset and worried about the idea of asking for as much as you want ... but honestly, asking doesn't hurt anyone. It just provides more information about what you'd like, and helps everyone to work together to see if it's possible to meet everyone's needs. If you don't say what you'd like, other people don't know.

If you ask in kind ways and give people an option to say no, it's not really that bad.

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