Mental health systems need to be voluntary
Give rights to those with psychiatric labels (or rather, respect the rights they already have)
Treatment should equal healing, not punishment
Make consumer/survivor-driven alternatives to traditional mental health systems a priority
- - - -
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Great interview on shame and violence
Following up on that last post about shunning.
I've been thinking about how trauma and violence can be related, where people who have experienced acute or systematic trauma might be more likely to be violent.
Here is a really excellent interview on this issue. I highly recommend it.
http://safespaceradio.com/category/domestic-violence/
- - -
I've been thinking about how trauma and violence can be related, where people who have experienced acute or systematic trauma might be more likely to be violent.
Here is a really excellent interview on this issue. I highly recommend it.
http://safespaceradio.com/category/domestic-violence/
- - -
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Why am I vulnerable to shunning
My boyfriend wants me to write about why I end up feeling so bad when I have a confrontation or when people think I have done something wrong, even if I haven't.
I guess it is that I really don't want to be seen as bad, and I take what others think of me to be the truth, even if I know they are wrong.
It's like all that matters is that others not think I am bad.
This holds me back, where I am afraid to advocate for myself for fear of seeming like I am taking too much.
It's much better if I just advocate for myself and stay firm with what feels fair to me and not get drawn into things that don't feel fair.
- - -
I just feel so bad that the therapist might have thought that I was trying to take a session from her without paying. I would feel like a thief running away without paying.
I also sometimes feel like a thief if I get a lot of work done but people at work aren't sure about how much I am getting done.
What do I think would happen if they thought bad things about me? It would make me a bad person.
I guess in the job situation, it's my responsibility to make sure they know what I am doing. Being straightforward and doing a good job is enough.
What would happen if I were a bad person? My fears would be confirmed. Others would look at me with scorn. I would be chastised and shunned.
- - -
Maybe the issue is that I don't have a strong enough tribe of people whom I know like me to keep me supported when other people might not like me.
Any checkout staff, random people I meet, etc. are my 'tribe' for now, so I feel really scared if they don't like me. (e.g. I don't have a huge social circle outside work, so what people at work think about me really matters to me.).
Also I end up being vulnerable with a number of people or caring about what they think, because I don't have that much regular support in my life anyway.
I guess the thing is to meet more people and have more regular social support, people who see me for how I want to be seen.
- - -
I guess it is that I really don't want to be seen as bad, and I take what others think of me to be the truth, even if I know they are wrong.
It's like all that matters is that others not think I am bad.
This holds me back, where I am afraid to advocate for myself for fear of seeming like I am taking too much.
It's much better if I just advocate for myself and stay firm with what feels fair to me and not get drawn into things that don't feel fair.
- - -
I just feel so bad that the therapist might have thought that I was trying to take a session from her without paying. I would feel like a thief running away without paying.
I also sometimes feel like a thief if I get a lot of work done but people at work aren't sure about how much I am getting done.
What do I think would happen if they thought bad things about me? It would make me a bad person.
I guess in the job situation, it's my responsibility to make sure they know what I am doing. Being straightforward and doing a good job is enough.
What would happen if I were a bad person? My fears would be confirmed. Others would look at me with scorn. I would be chastised and shunned.
- - -
Maybe the issue is that I don't have a strong enough tribe of people whom I know like me to keep me supported when other people might not like me.
Any checkout staff, random people I meet, etc. are my 'tribe' for now, so I feel really scared if they don't like me. (e.g. I don't have a huge social circle outside work, so what people at work think about me really matters to me.).
Also I end up being vulnerable with a number of people or caring about what they think, because I don't have that much regular support in my life anyway.
I guess the thing is to meet more people and have more regular social support, people who see me for how I want to be seen.
- - -
It's Not Your Fault scene from Good Will Hunting
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92D15qtI_Gk
I love how you can see how it just takes a while to get it, and it's scary to believe it, like it's too good to be true.
Because many of the after-effects of parental abuse or neglect DO come across as someone's fault.
You go through life with people saying you should do things differently, that you're not behaving right, that you're making bad decisions, that you're over-reacting, that you don't know how to stand up for yourself, that you're too perfectionistic, etc.
It seems like if you're an adult, you're supposed to magically provide anything you didn't get as a kid, even if it is hard to obtain properly especially without a lot of income. People use whatever skills they did get to try to cover for what they don't have but can end up with less-than-optimal solutions.
- - -
The line that gets to me the most is "don't fuck with me," because I know exactly how that feels. and i've said the same thing to people.
It's like, don't you dare hurt me by being sort of there and making me feel safe and then coming in for the blow just as I open up and get vulnerable. Don't you dare put me through another round of getting my hopes up and then getting disappointed.
It means that when you are going through this, you do need to be careful to feel out people before trusting them.
The therapist I saw this morning was not trustworthy and not someone safe for me. When she realized I had no idea I was paying for finding out about the group, she insisted she had told me (she hadn't) and acted weird, and when I said that I wanted to cancel the appointment I had scheduled in the future with her, she tried to convince me that the two were not related, when in fact they were. I saw how she reacted to an unusual situation and she didn't pass the test, and therefore I wasn't going to trust her with my inner feelings.
In contrast, my other therapist passes tests. She shows in many ways that she can handle it when I don't like her, when I go through things, etc.
It is such a relief to be with someone who is like an adult, who is settled enough with themselves that they can be a safe place for you on terms that are good for you, that are not about you taking care of them.
It's funny, when I am negotiating for my job offer, I am almost trying to take care of the company myself. It's just weird. I am the only one looking out for me. I'm in a good position where they probably want to do whatever they can to keep me, so I should really advocate for what will be good for me.
- - - -
I love how you can see how it just takes a while to get it, and it's scary to believe it, like it's too good to be true.
Because many of the after-effects of parental abuse or neglect DO come across as someone's fault.
You go through life with people saying you should do things differently, that you're not behaving right, that you're making bad decisions, that you're over-reacting, that you don't know how to stand up for yourself, that you're too perfectionistic, etc.
It seems like if you're an adult, you're supposed to magically provide anything you didn't get as a kid, even if it is hard to obtain properly especially without a lot of income. People use whatever skills they did get to try to cover for what they don't have but can end up with less-than-optimal solutions.
- - -
The line that gets to me the most is "don't fuck with me," because I know exactly how that feels. and i've said the same thing to people.
It's like, don't you dare hurt me by being sort of there and making me feel safe and then coming in for the blow just as I open up and get vulnerable. Don't you dare put me through another round of getting my hopes up and then getting disappointed.
It means that when you are going through this, you do need to be careful to feel out people before trusting them.
The therapist I saw this morning was not trustworthy and not someone safe for me. When she realized I had no idea I was paying for finding out about the group, she insisted she had told me (she hadn't) and acted weird, and when I said that I wanted to cancel the appointment I had scheduled in the future with her, she tried to convince me that the two were not related, when in fact they were. I saw how she reacted to an unusual situation and she didn't pass the test, and therefore I wasn't going to trust her with my inner feelings.
In contrast, my other therapist passes tests. She shows in many ways that she can handle it when I don't like her, when I go through things, etc.
It is such a relief to be with someone who is like an adult, who is settled enough with themselves that they can be a safe place for you on terms that are good for you, that are not about you taking care of them.
It's funny, when I am negotiating for my job offer, I am almost trying to take care of the company myself. It's just weird. I am the only one looking out for me. I'm in a good position where they probably want to do whatever they can to keep me, so I should really advocate for what will be good for me.
- - - -
Frustrating trying to find developmental trauma help as an adult
I've been increasingly upset because many trauma therapists don't seem to "get" attachment disorder or developmental trauma. They think they do, but then it becomes clear that even with a few hours of watching videos online or just observing the patterns, I know more about it than they do.
I keep getting frustrated by the misattunement.
The techniques for trauma in general are helpful to a point, but sometimes they are not great and can even make the problem worse, if the reactive attachment side is not being addressed properly.
I haven't found anyone yet who seems to understand the severity of it or who seems to offer advice that seems to match what it might take to fix it. I keep having people suggesting these approaches that seem to ignore how hard-wired and immediate and reflexive this problem can be.
I've read articles and books by these people, though, and that has been the most helpful thing.
Most of the real treatment centers for this are for children only. And people who treat it often charge $140+ per session.
This is why I've been thinking about stopping seeing my current therapist, who is so wonderful otherwise. I feel like I need to save my out-of-pocket therapy budget for books, resources, or occasional therapy with people who specialize in this very tricky and very intense disorder. It is hard handling it alone.
The subliminal mp3s like Anger Management and getting over the fear of being alone have been the thing that's helped me the most. Perhaps these are able to work on the subconscious where the problem exists.
The pitfalls:
-If I read too much about it in scholarly books, I tend to identify with it more or to get scared about the physical dangers of separation stress, because then I learn about all the biochemical changes from it.
-If I get trauma therapy, I get frustrated beyond belief that the therapy is "almost" good enough and how I "almost" feel safe, but then the therapists don't get the developmental trauma part (and this just reiterates the theme of the trauma, which is getting some connection and attunement, but not enough -- enough to make you hungry for it but not enough to let you relax. It can be maddening.)
-That is basically what generates the RAD anger: the extreme frustration of getting a little but having it be unpredictable or not quite what you need, so that you get your hopes up and then keep getting them dashed. You think, "Could they just make up their mind and stop tormenting me? Just be one or the other!"
-When I read about it in resources FOR people with RAD, I feel this amazing sense of happiness. Finally there is attunement. Finally someone gets why I do this, how much it scares me, how much I don't want to be like this, how much I just want to be able to have a good relationship without this causing my partner to turn away from me in painful ways.
-I think it's just that I am looking for people who understand, and people who understand but not quite are just extremely frustrating and almost retraumatizing at this point.
-I might be perfectionistic about this, but on the other hand, it's a common theme I see with therapy. Many therapists think they can handle cases they can't handle. It's like a family practice physician thinking he can handle every severe medical problem without referring to a specialist. It's because in therapy, it is less clear when an approach or a set of knowledge is inadequate for a case. Many therapists think "my approach can handle that," when sometimes it can't.
-Also, therapists are in business for themselves many times, rather than being employed by a practice, and so they have an interest in keeping patients. It is harder to refer to a specialist when this means losing some of your business.
-Basically, it is up to individual patients to recognize when they need more specialization than a particular therapist offers.
-Trying to deal with issues that a therapist is not adequately trained in can be as harmful as getting your cancer treated by someone without cancer training. We tend to think that if problems are just "emotional," then they are not serious, but I'm coming to see them as just another type of physical condition. If you can tell you have a serious physical condition or a serious "mental/emotional" condition, it's worth looking for the best care you can find.
-You know that feeling you get when you are with an expert whom you can trust, where you can tell they have enough knowledge and understanding of what's happening, and when what they recommend works better for you than anything you can come up with yourself? That is care worth paying for. Look for that.
And in its absence, treat yourself, because you might be the best you have.
Basically if you are more informed about the situation than a practitioner, don't just trust them because they have training. You might be more informed than they are about your particular condition. I have an easy time doing this with medical conditions but a harder time when it comes to emotional conditions, but I'm coming to see there is very little difference.
-I might keep seeing my current therapist sometimes because she is good at what she does, BUT I will talk about it with her and establish that I'm going to be the expert for my RAD issues since she is not as trained in this.
- - -
I keep getting frustrated by the misattunement.
The techniques for trauma in general are helpful to a point, but sometimes they are not great and can even make the problem worse, if the reactive attachment side is not being addressed properly.
I haven't found anyone yet who seems to understand the severity of it or who seems to offer advice that seems to match what it might take to fix it. I keep having people suggesting these approaches that seem to ignore how hard-wired and immediate and reflexive this problem can be.
I've read articles and books by these people, though, and that has been the most helpful thing.
Most of the real treatment centers for this are for children only. And people who treat it often charge $140+ per session.
This is why I've been thinking about stopping seeing my current therapist, who is so wonderful otherwise. I feel like I need to save my out-of-pocket therapy budget for books, resources, or occasional therapy with people who specialize in this very tricky and very intense disorder. It is hard handling it alone.
The subliminal mp3s like Anger Management and getting over the fear of being alone have been the thing that's helped me the most. Perhaps these are able to work on the subconscious where the problem exists.
The pitfalls:
-If I read too much about it in scholarly books, I tend to identify with it more or to get scared about the physical dangers of separation stress, because then I learn about all the biochemical changes from it.
-If I get trauma therapy, I get frustrated beyond belief that the therapy is "almost" good enough and how I "almost" feel safe, but then the therapists don't get the developmental trauma part (and this just reiterates the theme of the trauma, which is getting some connection and attunement, but not enough -- enough to make you hungry for it but not enough to let you relax. It can be maddening.)
-That is basically what generates the RAD anger: the extreme frustration of getting a little but having it be unpredictable or not quite what you need, so that you get your hopes up and then keep getting them dashed. You think, "Could they just make up their mind and stop tormenting me? Just be one or the other!"
-When I read about it in resources FOR people with RAD, I feel this amazing sense of happiness. Finally there is attunement. Finally someone gets why I do this, how much it scares me, how much I don't want to be like this, how much I just want to be able to have a good relationship without this causing my partner to turn away from me in painful ways.
-I think it's just that I am looking for people who understand, and people who understand but not quite are just extremely frustrating and almost retraumatizing at this point.
-I might be perfectionistic about this, but on the other hand, it's a common theme I see with therapy. Many therapists think they can handle cases they can't handle. It's like a family practice physician thinking he can handle every severe medical problem without referring to a specialist. It's because in therapy, it is less clear when an approach or a set of knowledge is inadequate for a case. Many therapists think "my approach can handle that," when sometimes it can't.
-Also, therapists are in business for themselves many times, rather than being employed by a practice, and so they have an interest in keeping patients. It is harder to refer to a specialist when this means losing some of your business.
-Basically, it is up to individual patients to recognize when they need more specialization than a particular therapist offers.
-Trying to deal with issues that a therapist is not adequately trained in can be as harmful as getting your cancer treated by someone without cancer training. We tend to think that if problems are just "emotional," then they are not serious, but I'm coming to see them as just another type of physical condition. If you can tell you have a serious physical condition or a serious "mental/emotional" condition, it's worth looking for the best care you can find.
-You know that feeling you get when you are with an expert whom you can trust, where you can tell they have enough knowledge and understanding of what's happening, and when what they recommend works better for you than anything you can come up with yourself? That is care worth paying for. Look for that.
And in its absence, treat yourself, because you might be the best you have.
Basically if you are more informed about the situation than a practitioner, don't just trust them because they have training. You might be more informed than they are about your particular condition. I have an easy time doing this with medical conditions but a harder time when it comes to emotional conditions, but I'm coming to see there is very little difference.
-I might keep seeing my current therapist sometimes because she is good at what she does, BUT I will talk about it with her and establish that I'm going to be the expert for my RAD issues since she is not as trained in this.
- - -
Acetyl l-carnitine really helps me
First, I had an amazing visit with my boyfriend.
The subliminal and brainwave mp3s and the Acetyl L-carnitine must really be helping, since it was basically effortless to hang out with him with no problems. He kept saying that it was great to be with someone who was also like an adult. I didn't have any of the problems I'd been having before. 't was just such a fun time.
Secondly, the Acetyl L-carnitine really, really helps.
I just had something happen that typically would have made me sad for hours, and which seemed like it was going to --
I met with a therapist to learn about a trauma group she runs, since I thought it might be a more affordable alternative to the individual therapy I've been attending.
She didn't mention that there was any cost for meeting her. When I started to leave, she said, how will you be paying for this? It's $70.
I said, I didn't realize I was paying anything for this. You didn't mention it.
I felt really surprised and taken advantage of, and I was almost certain she had not mentioned it in the emails. Also I probably would not have gone to see her if I knew it would cost something, since I've been having problems affording out-of-pocket therapy on a low budget while treating Lyme disease.
I felt so upset. I asked if I could give her half instead, and she said how about $40, so I gave her $40, but I felt really upset about it. That $40 would have otherwise bought a lot of groceries or two months of aloe vera juice or whatever.
I guess I've been feeling really angry about what therapy costs for me out of pocket. I've been seeing a really excellent therapist, but it's been costing almost as much as my rent. Now I have basically no savings. I guess I get sucked into it where I feel like something is wrong with me and I need help, and once you are in the habit of seeing a therapist, it gets complicated where it's hard to stop going for financial reasons because so much else is involved.
It's always really bugged me that therapists would expect you to PAY to come see them for a last time to have closure.
Anyway, after losing $40 to this informational session, when I decided not to attend the group anyway, I called my original therapist and said that I just couldn't come anymore for financial reasons. She was actually really considerate about it and suggested that she call me back and go over what we've accomplished, free, on the phone sometime.
It melted my heart, the particular way that she was validating how I felt and looking out for what would be good for me in the long run, and also validating my ability to keep working on my progress without her (she has respected my own abilities).
After that I felt, how can I leave this respectful arrangement, where someone actually looks out for me? It almost made me cry.
I guess in my family my dad and to some extent my mom were looking out for themselves and not thinking about what was good for me. That's why it melts me when my boyfriend thinks about what would be good for me, even if it is uncomfortable for him.
I probably have a tendency to treat others like my parents treated me. I might be like that somewhat with my boyfriend, where I want him to do certain things treatment-wise or with his life because I think it would be good for him. I could work on looking out for what is good for him even when it's not the best thing for me, basically wanting what's good for him for its own sake.
Anyway, I am fascinated by this other way that people can treat one another, and I guess I want to keep seeing this therapist if only to learn about this other possibility. But probably every other week since once a week is not affordable.
I'm a little scared by the intimacy. what will happen when I eventually need to move on? It's a little weird having an intimate connection with a professional person. And she says that in comparison with many of her clients, I hold myself back more.
It's also weird because therapy seems to pick at my scabs. I can be doing fine, then I go to therapy and it stirs things up again.
It definitely is helping me in the long run, where I express myself more and I get sick less and I can talk about things without getting as reactive.
Maybe it would help if I still got help from my dad for therapy, like half what he has been giving me. It helps to have money for therapy and Lyme treatment, since these are just hard to afford on a low budget as a young worker, someone who still qualifies for state health insurance and is within some range of the federal poverty guidelines.
I guess I've been so, so eager to get out from under him and to make him happy that I've been trying to give up treatments that help me, but maybe I should just be more patient. As long as he sees things are moving forward he'll be happy, and I can make the transition to being on my own more slowly. I'm still definitely in a needy phase where I need a lot of treatment, support, special nutrition, etc., and the more I build myself up now (I'm seeing) the better results I get and the more I can handle later on.
I guess it's a model of building yourself up to where you are very strong, and then being able to handle life, rather than throwing yourself into life before you are ready and just trying to survive by force of will and deprivation. I've done the latter most of my life because it was encouraged by my dad.
I also realized from my boyfriend that I seem to have a real problem with confrontation. It makes me realize that in my job, I should really try to advocate for what I truly want, which is a job based not solely on hours but basically on what I accomplish. I should try to show them how that is better for them and how they can still measure my performance.
Anyway, after all of this, I took some acetyl l-carnitine, and I feel so much better. The nervous system pain almost went away and I feel decent and competent and happy.
This stuff (ALCAR) is SO freaking helpful for trauma, for those really intense trigger feelings. Just takes down the intensity and pain level for me. It does disturb my sleep, though, if I take it after noon or so.
- - -
The subliminal and brainwave mp3s and the Acetyl L-carnitine must really be helping, since it was basically effortless to hang out with him with no problems. He kept saying that it was great to be with someone who was also like an adult. I didn't have any of the problems I'd been having before. 't was just such a fun time.
Secondly, the Acetyl L-carnitine really, really helps.
I just had something happen that typically would have made me sad for hours, and which seemed like it was going to --
I met with a therapist to learn about a trauma group she runs, since I thought it might be a more affordable alternative to the individual therapy I've been attending.
She didn't mention that there was any cost for meeting her. When I started to leave, she said, how will you be paying for this? It's $70.
I said, I didn't realize I was paying anything for this. You didn't mention it.
I felt really surprised and taken advantage of, and I was almost certain she had not mentioned it in the emails. Also I probably would not have gone to see her if I knew it would cost something, since I've been having problems affording out-of-pocket therapy on a low budget while treating Lyme disease.
I felt so upset. I asked if I could give her half instead, and she said how about $40, so I gave her $40, but I felt really upset about it. That $40 would have otherwise bought a lot of groceries or two months of aloe vera juice or whatever.
I guess I've been feeling really angry about what therapy costs for me out of pocket. I've been seeing a really excellent therapist, but it's been costing almost as much as my rent. Now I have basically no savings. I guess I get sucked into it where I feel like something is wrong with me and I need help, and once you are in the habit of seeing a therapist, it gets complicated where it's hard to stop going for financial reasons because so much else is involved.
It's always really bugged me that therapists would expect you to PAY to come see them for a last time to have closure.
Anyway, after losing $40 to this informational session, when I decided not to attend the group anyway, I called my original therapist and said that I just couldn't come anymore for financial reasons. She was actually really considerate about it and suggested that she call me back and go over what we've accomplished, free, on the phone sometime.
It melted my heart, the particular way that she was validating how I felt and looking out for what would be good for me in the long run, and also validating my ability to keep working on my progress without her (she has respected my own abilities).
After that I felt, how can I leave this respectful arrangement, where someone actually looks out for me? It almost made me cry.
I guess in my family my dad and to some extent my mom were looking out for themselves and not thinking about what was good for me. That's why it melts me when my boyfriend thinks about what would be good for me, even if it is uncomfortable for him.
I probably have a tendency to treat others like my parents treated me. I might be like that somewhat with my boyfriend, where I want him to do certain things treatment-wise or with his life because I think it would be good for him. I could work on looking out for what is good for him even when it's not the best thing for me, basically wanting what's good for him for its own sake.
Anyway, I am fascinated by this other way that people can treat one another, and I guess I want to keep seeing this therapist if only to learn about this other possibility. But probably every other week since once a week is not affordable.
I'm a little scared by the intimacy. what will happen when I eventually need to move on? It's a little weird having an intimate connection with a professional person. And she says that in comparison with many of her clients, I hold myself back more.
It's also weird because therapy seems to pick at my scabs. I can be doing fine, then I go to therapy and it stirs things up again.
It definitely is helping me in the long run, where I express myself more and I get sick less and I can talk about things without getting as reactive.
Maybe it would help if I still got help from my dad for therapy, like half what he has been giving me. It helps to have money for therapy and Lyme treatment, since these are just hard to afford on a low budget as a young worker, someone who still qualifies for state health insurance and is within some range of the federal poverty guidelines.
I guess I've been so, so eager to get out from under him and to make him happy that I've been trying to give up treatments that help me, but maybe I should just be more patient. As long as he sees things are moving forward he'll be happy, and I can make the transition to being on my own more slowly. I'm still definitely in a needy phase where I need a lot of treatment, support, special nutrition, etc., and the more I build myself up now (I'm seeing) the better results I get and the more I can handle later on.
I guess it's a model of building yourself up to where you are very strong, and then being able to handle life, rather than throwing yourself into life before you are ready and just trying to survive by force of will and deprivation. I've done the latter most of my life because it was encouraged by my dad.
I also realized from my boyfriend that I seem to have a real problem with confrontation. It makes me realize that in my job, I should really try to advocate for what I truly want, which is a job based not solely on hours but basically on what I accomplish. I should try to show them how that is better for them and how they can still measure my performance.
Anyway, after all of this, I took some acetyl l-carnitine, and I feel so much better. The nervous system pain almost went away and I feel decent and competent and happy.
This stuff (ALCAR) is SO freaking helpful for trauma, for those really intense trigger feelings. Just takes down the intensity and pain level for me. It does disturb my sleep, though, if I take it after noon or so.
- - -
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Making attachment challenges smaller rather than expecting myself to be normal immediately
I just had a good insight about the attachment disorder challenges.
I realize that if I am just easier on myself and more accepting of the way that distancing/separation are challenges for me, and if I try to ameliorate the suffering, then I am more likely to stay in good emotional condition where I can retain self-control.
I think what I've been doing is basically trying to become a normal person, as though I didn't have these challenges, as fast as possible by just expecting myself to handle any separation challenge through self-control alone.
But then after more and more of these challenges, where I'm keeping up a good face and denying the pain and stress I'm going through, one challenge at some point breaks my self-control and I crash.
Continual coping really is not a good long-term plan for optimal behavior and self-control. We are able to cope effectively and control ourselves for short periods, but when it goes on for days our ability goes down. There's such a thing as self-control fatigue, documented in research.
So the thing for me to do is to bite off small, manageable chunks of separation/attachment challenge. Like after this phone call, I'm going to sleep with one of his clothing items, just to feel safer, since it did make me scared about our closeness.
- - -
I had a good breakthrough with my boyfriend, where the two of us finally realized that he probably has no idea what the abandonment triggers feel like for me because he hasn't experienced it in this way and does not have PTSD from it.
I said, 'Imagine that you are in a spaceship and you are sent out alone hurtling through space in a solo spaceship, and then all connection to earth and humanity is cut off, the power dies, and you will be alone forever and die in space.'
Even a mild separation or letting him get off the phone after what felt like an argument without making up can feel like that. There's this panicky feeling of, am I throwing myself to my doom if I let this separation happen?
It is really too bad I have baby PTSD. But it helps SO much that between the two of us, at least we have an acknowledgment that it might be more severe than he can understand. That helps so much.
I did have really good emotional control while we were talking. I've been doing really well lately. I think these binaural and subliminal tracks are helping, even if from placebo effect. If it's placebo effect, that would be impressive - that my body knew how to fix itself once given permission to do so.
I really do want to get over this.
Here's an interesting question. If I got over it, then what? I'd probably be closer with my boyfriend and see him more. Maybe that scares me a little bit. Maybe I need to work on feeling really excited about life without attachment disorder, and feeling ok with things that might happen if I didn't have it, in order to feel ok moving on.
- - -
I realize that if I am just easier on myself and more accepting of the way that distancing/separation are challenges for me, and if I try to ameliorate the suffering, then I am more likely to stay in good emotional condition where I can retain self-control.
I think what I've been doing is basically trying to become a normal person, as though I didn't have these challenges, as fast as possible by just expecting myself to handle any separation challenge through self-control alone.
But then after more and more of these challenges, where I'm keeping up a good face and denying the pain and stress I'm going through, one challenge at some point breaks my self-control and I crash.
Continual coping really is not a good long-term plan for optimal behavior and self-control. We are able to cope effectively and control ourselves for short periods, but when it goes on for days our ability goes down. There's such a thing as self-control fatigue, documented in research.
So the thing for me to do is to bite off small, manageable chunks of separation/attachment challenge. Like after this phone call, I'm going to sleep with one of his clothing items, just to feel safer, since it did make me scared about our closeness.
- - -
I had a good breakthrough with my boyfriend, where the two of us finally realized that he probably has no idea what the abandonment triggers feel like for me because he hasn't experienced it in this way and does not have PTSD from it.
I said, 'Imagine that you are in a spaceship and you are sent out alone hurtling through space in a solo spaceship, and then all connection to earth and humanity is cut off, the power dies, and you will be alone forever and die in space.'
Even a mild separation or letting him get off the phone after what felt like an argument without making up can feel like that. There's this panicky feeling of, am I throwing myself to my doom if I let this separation happen?
It is really too bad I have baby PTSD. But it helps SO much that between the two of us, at least we have an acknowledgment that it might be more severe than he can understand. That helps so much.
I did have really good emotional control while we were talking. I've been doing really well lately. I think these binaural and subliminal tracks are helping, even if from placebo effect. If it's placebo effect, that would be impressive - that my body knew how to fix itself once given permission to do so.
I really do want to get over this.
Here's an interesting question. If I got over it, then what? I'd probably be closer with my boyfriend and see him more. Maybe that scares me a little bit. Maybe I need to work on feeling really excited about life without attachment disorder, and feeling ok with things that might happen if I didn't have it, in order to feel ok moving on.
- - -
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Examining fear of being alone
So now I am listening to the track about "Overcoming the Fear of Being Alone."
It was funny, maybe I was imagining it, but I think this track made me really freak out and start shaking.
I have such an intense primal fear of being alone, probably from when I was a baby. I realized earlier today that I find it very, very easy to sound convincing if I say "I'm a baby," but I don't sound convincing when I say "I'm an adult."
I think I had enough trauma as a baby that I'm still stuck there and part of me thinks I'm still in that state where I'm not competent to do much for others.
Listening to this track I guess I realize that while being alone is very dangerous for babies, it's not dangerous for me in my 20s. (This actually comes as a big surprise for me!)
Has anything bad ever happened to me because of being alone? Well, some social stimulation deprivation, but that's to be expected, just the same as if you didn't eat enough food and felt hungry. But beyond that, there hasn't been anything too dangerous about being alone. I haven't been eaten by wild animals, for example.
- - -
It was funny, maybe I was imagining it, but I think this track made me really freak out and start shaking.
I have such an intense primal fear of being alone, probably from when I was a baby. I realized earlier today that I find it very, very easy to sound convincing if I say "I'm a baby," but I don't sound convincing when I say "I'm an adult."
I think I had enough trauma as a baby that I'm still stuck there and part of me thinks I'm still in that state where I'm not competent to do much for others.
Listening to this track I guess I realize that while being alone is very dangerous for babies, it's not dangerous for me in my 20s. (This actually comes as a big surprise for me!)
Has anything bad ever happened to me because of being alone? Well, some social stimulation deprivation, but that's to be expected, just the same as if you didn't eat enough food and felt hungry. But beyond that, there hasn't been anything too dangerous about being alone. I haven't been eaten by wild animals, for example.
- - -
Letting go of the past, binaural/subliminal mp3 tracks
I've been getting a lot out of binaural beat recordings and actually also these binaural+subliminal message mp3 tracks from amazon.
I don't know exactly what's behind the subliminal message tracks (barely audible statements?), but I do sometimes have some new insights or feel totally novel ways after listening to these.
I picked out some that relate to what I know I need to work on, common issues for people with early trauma and reactive attachment disorder:
Letting Go of the Past
Positive Expectations
Anger Management
Start Loving Yourself
Relationships Insecurity and Jealousy
I find that sometimes I am the most resistant to the tracks that I probably most need, like "Letting Go of the Past." It's probably because these are very deep strategies I have and even if I know they are not great, I can be scared to give them up.
Listening to the one "Letting Go of the Past," I had some really novel reactions, thinking in ways I don't know if I have thought before.
My main thought is:
Wow, I didn't get what I wanted as a kid, and my chance is over. I'm never going to get what I wanted as a kid, since I'm not a kid anymore. That's sad that I had that deprivation back then, but also I can give up the pointless effort of trying to fix it.
I don't need to have a condition where "things are not ok until I fix this wrongness and deprivation that happened to me." (Lots of people including me are into that, where they feel like if they just get this next thing or get this extra accomplishment or fix something else in their lives, then maybe finally everything will be ok. It's like a mouse treadmill.)
It's more like, true, I had wrongness and deprivation in the past, and that's ok. I don't have to do any additional activities in my life now because of what happened then. I don't need to get justice, fix it, erase it, prove it wrong, etc. I don't need to wreck the present by trying to change something that can't be changed: the past.
It's also kind of a loss of hope, losing the hope that one day my childhood would be ok. One day I'd assemble all the parts and have a loving Dad, a boyfriend, everything as I wanted it, so that I'd finally feel satisfied. I'm not going to get that. Where many people have happy fulfilling childhood experiences, I am always going to have some holes. I have the particular childhood experiences and memories I have, and they are mine. I'm only going to be able to guess at what it's like to have a different kind of childhood experience, just as others are only able to guess at what it was like for me.
I think it can be hard to let go of the past when you had traumatic situations, because it feels like justice has not been served yet. You're like, wait, we can't go onto the next stage, Mom/Dad -- you haven't paid for, much less acknowledged, what you did at this stage! It's like you don't want your parents to get off relatively free for their crimes simply by escaping into the next time chunk. It can be maddening because when you finally get your finger on what it was they did, they're already several time chunks past it and the statute of limitations has sort of passed. You're left with a vague sense of duty to the early you who knew that something was wrong and this can be very gripping.
But all there is is the present and it does no good to live the present in the service of the past. The past you doesn't exist anymore so she's not going to know if she gets justice or not. Trying to fix the past is like having a bad dream and then spending your life trying to get justice for what happened in the dream.
The past is basically a dream at this point. Everyone will see it differently. It's ok if you feel indignant about it. Chances are there was lots to feel indignant about. But beyond pointing out clear, objective things that happened (confrontation, works better when what your parents did was clear), there's not a lot you can do. Instead, I guess the thing to do is to watch out for yourself better now. Learn the lessons of the past. Instead of trying to fix the past, try to fix the present, and maybe the past won't bother you so much?
I don't know. These are all new thoughts for me (written while listening to the track).
- - -
I also had this feeling of hurtling into my present self, of myself being stretched between now and somewhere far away, and having it recoil and jump into the present, like a Slinky that had been stretched out and then released to come back to where it was.
- - -
I don't know exactly what's behind the subliminal message tracks (barely audible statements?), but I do sometimes have some new insights or feel totally novel ways after listening to these.
I picked out some that relate to what I know I need to work on, common issues for people with early trauma and reactive attachment disorder:
Letting Go of the Past
Positive Expectations
Anger Management
Start Loving Yourself
Relationships Insecurity and Jealousy
I find that sometimes I am the most resistant to the tracks that I probably most need, like "Letting Go of the Past." It's probably because these are very deep strategies I have and even if I know they are not great, I can be scared to give them up.
Listening to the one "Letting Go of the Past," I had some really novel reactions, thinking in ways I don't know if I have thought before.
My main thought is:
Wow, I didn't get what I wanted as a kid, and my chance is over. I'm never going to get what I wanted as a kid, since I'm not a kid anymore. That's sad that I had that deprivation back then, but also I can give up the pointless effort of trying to fix it.
I don't need to have a condition where "things are not ok until I fix this wrongness and deprivation that happened to me." (Lots of people including me are into that, where they feel like if they just get this next thing or get this extra accomplishment or fix something else in their lives, then maybe finally everything will be ok. It's like a mouse treadmill.)
It's more like, true, I had wrongness and deprivation in the past, and that's ok. I don't have to do any additional activities in my life now because of what happened then. I don't need to get justice, fix it, erase it, prove it wrong, etc. I don't need to wreck the present by trying to change something that can't be changed: the past.
It's also kind of a loss of hope, losing the hope that one day my childhood would be ok. One day I'd assemble all the parts and have a loving Dad, a boyfriend, everything as I wanted it, so that I'd finally feel satisfied. I'm not going to get that. Where many people have happy fulfilling childhood experiences, I am always going to have some holes. I have the particular childhood experiences and memories I have, and they are mine. I'm only going to be able to guess at what it's like to have a different kind of childhood experience, just as others are only able to guess at what it was like for me.
I think it can be hard to let go of the past when you had traumatic situations, because it feels like justice has not been served yet. You're like, wait, we can't go onto the next stage, Mom/Dad -- you haven't paid for, much less acknowledged, what you did at this stage! It's like you don't want your parents to get off relatively free for their crimes simply by escaping into the next time chunk. It can be maddening because when you finally get your finger on what it was they did, they're already several time chunks past it and the statute of limitations has sort of passed. You're left with a vague sense of duty to the early you who knew that something was wrong and this can be very gripping.
But all there is is the present and it does no good to live the present in the service of the past. The past you doesn't exist anymore so she's not going to know if she gets justice or not. Trying to fix the past is like having a bad dream and then spending your life trying to get justice for what happened in the dream.
The past is basically a dream at this point. Everyone will see it differently. It's ok if you feel indignant about it. Chances are there was lots to feel indignant about. But beyond pointing out clear, objective things that happened (confrontation, works better when what your parents did was clear), there's not a lot you can do. Instead, I guess the thing to do is to watch out for yourself better now. Learn the lessons of the past. Instead of trying to fix the past, try to fix the present, and maybe the past won't bother you so much?
I don't know. These are all new thoughts for me (written while listening to the track).
- - -
I also had this feeling of hurtling into my present self, of myself being stretched between now and somewhere far away, and having it recoil and jump into the present, like a Slinky that had been stretched out and then released to come back to where it was.
- - -
"Biology of Kundalini" and supplements
I have to wonder if what people call kundalini has a lot to do with what other people call the trauma process.
There are some interesting points about stress, nervous system exhaustion, and rebuilding on this page:
http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php?story=ExhaustionPhase
It's interesting. Something I am learning in therapy is that it's possible to rebuild relationships after mis-attunement.
I had never though of applying that to my body, too. It's possible to rebuild after time. All is not lost. It's not a one-way path. Body, you and I can rebuild.
- - -
There are some interesting points about stress, nervous system exhaustion, and rebuilding on this page:
http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php?story=ExhaustionPhase
It's interesting. Something I am learning in therapy is that it's possible to rebuild relationships after mis-attunement.
I had never though of applying that to my body, too. It's possible to rebuild after time. All is not lost. It's not a one-way path. Body, you and I can rebuild.
- - -
Asking for as much as you'd like
A lot of my physical tension goes away when I realize that now, it's ok to feel. I realize that much of the diaphragm and abdominal tension I used to have was unnecessary and was related to being afraid to feel.
This reminds me a lot of anorexia treatment, where I was relieved to learn "It's ok to eat." It felt like a utopia being in treatment. It had been hard giving myself permission to eat more than the bare minimum I required (perhaps an analogy for how my dad seemed to want me to take only the minimum amount of time/energy/money from him), but now, every few hours, I had official permission from doctors to eat what felt like a fully ample amount of calories, and it was (to me) delicious food-- actual "real," prepared, normal foods like bagels and cream cheese, etc.
Far from being an unpleasant time for me, it was exciting and relieving and gave me so much optimism about this future where now I knew I could take based on what felt right to me, rather than the bare minimum so as not to upset others.
I think that's the key issue: that difference between feeling like it's ok to take the amount that feels right to you - so that you are listening to your own urges about how much you need - versus feeling so concerned about others (whether you are concerned about them getting by, or them getting mad at you) that you restrict yourself to the minimum you can get by with.
It's the difference between eating at a restaurant buffet with a family, where you can take as much as you like, versus eating at a family gathering where, when you are taking from any of the dishes that might not be ample enough to go around (e.g., a green bean dish), you are thinking about whether there will be enough for other people.
The lesson of the trauma process seems to be, it's ok now to ask for more and feel more emotionally than it used to be, both with your own body and with other people. It's ok to let your body guide you as to how much it wants to feel and ask for, rather than oppressing the body for the sake of not upsetting the apple cart.
I've sort of lost many of my inhibitions about asking for things. It's actually really helping me to protect myself better and to express what I'd like directly rather than being dissatisfied and getting upset about other things.
However it's causing some relationship imbalance because I'm being very free about asking but my boyfriend still doesn't feel free, based on his life situation, and then he gets upset with me for taking more than he takes.
Yesterday he said, "Wait, you think we should just ask for whatever we want, take as much as we want?" which seemed unbelievable.
Lots of people get upset and worried about the idea of asking for as much as you want ... but honestly, asking doesn't hurt anyone. It just provides more information about what you'd like, and helps everyone to work together to see if it's possible to meet everyone's needs. If you don't say what you'd like, other people don't know.
If you ask in kind ways and give people an option to say no, it's not really that bad.
- - -
This reminds me a lot of anorexia treatment, where I was relieved to learn "It's ok to eat." It felt like a utopia being in treatment. It had been hard giving myself permission to eat more than the bare minimum I required (perhaps an analogy for how my dad seemed to want me to take only the minimum amount of time/energy/money from him), but now, every few hours, I had official permission from doctors to eat what felt like a fully ample amount of calories, and it was (to me) delicious food-- actual "real," prepared, normal foods like bagels and cream cheese, etc.
Far from being an unpleasant time for me, it was exciting and relieving and gave me so much optimism about this future where now I knew I could take based on what felt right to me, rather than the bare minimum so as not to upset others.
I think that's the key issue: that difference between feeling like it's ok to take the amount that feels right to you - so that you are listening to your own urges about how much you need - versus feeling so concerned about others (whether you are concerned about them getting by, or them getting mad at you) that you restrict yourself to the minimum you can get by with.
It's the difference between eating at a restaurant buffet with a family, where you can take as much as you like, versus eating at a family gathering where, when you are taking from any of the dishes that might not be ample enough to go around (e.g., a green bean dish), you are thinking about whether there will be enough for other people.
The lesson of the trauma process seems to be, it's ok now to ask for more and feel more emotionally than it used to be, both with your own body and with other people. It's ok to let your body guide you as to how much it wants to feel and ask for, rather than oppressing the body for the sake of not upsetting the apple cart.
I've sort of lost many of my inhibitions about asking for things. It's actually really helping me to protect myself better and to express what I'd like directly rather than being dissatisfied and getting upset about other things.
However it's causing some relationship imbalance because I'm being very free about asking but my boyfriend still doesn't feel free, based on his life situation, and then he gets upset with me for taking more than he takes.
Yesterday he said, "Wait, you think we should just ask for whatever we want, take as much as we want?" which seemed unbelievable.
Lots of people get upset and worried about the idea of asking for as much as you want ... but honestly, asking doesn't hurt anyone. It just provides more information about what you'd like, and helps everyone to work together to see if it's possible to meet everyone's needs. If you don't say what you'd like, other people don't know.
If you ask in kind ways and give people an option to say no, it's not really that bad.
- - -
Friday, May 11, 2012
Being body-directed while relating
I just scrolled through my blog so far and realized that every post seems to advocate a different approach:
-get to where you feel safe to feel (ok if you don't feel every last buried thing)
-say yes to feeling everything
-having a random improvement from reading something
-and finally, trying a trick to reduce the bad feelings
I guess what I get from this is that the trauma process has no definite prescription and it's not the same thing every day.
The body asks for what it wants when it needs it.
- - -
Maybe that's why I've been having a hard time in my relationship while going through this. I've been so body-directed during most of this, where my body tells me "feel this," "do this," "do this other strange thing," and it all moves me forward, but it's very self-centered and about listening to the very sensitive needs of my body. But then my traditional mode of being with people has been to think the whole time I am around them, "What do they need? How can I keep from offending or losing them?" which is totally antithetical to this new way I am learning to be for trauma processes.
Maybe I will get to where I can have good give-and-take with others while still being directed by my body. In fact it probably will improve the quality of my interactions with others, since I'll be more in-tune. I do notice myself being more in-tune already and picking up on others' body language more and tuning into how they are feeling, not because I am in caretaker mode but because I'm feeling my body and I feel my reaction to their body too. (mirror neurons?)
I guess that's the way to go, building the capacity to relate while staying in the body. I might have to take it slow and start with pretty easy tasks, since I simply don't have any practice doing this. I'm back at less than a few years old - level of experience in this.
- - -
-get to where you feel safe to feel (ok if you don't feel every last buried thing)
-say yes to feeling everything
-having a random improvement from reading something
-and finally, trying a trick to reduce the bad feelings
I guess what I get from this is that the trauma process has no definite prescription and it's not the same thing every day.
The body asks for what it wants when it needs it.
- - -
Maybe that's why I've been having a hard time in my relationship while going through this. I've been so body-directed during most of this, where my body tells me "feel this," "do this," "do this other strange thing," and it all moves me forward, but it's very self-centered and about listening to the very sensitive needs of my body. But then my traditional mode of being with people has been to think the whole time I am around them, "What do they need? How can I keep from offending or losing them?" which is totally antithetical to this new way I am learning to be for trauma processes.
Maybe I will get to where I can have good give-and-take with others while still being directed by my body. In fact it probably will improve the quality of my interactions with others, since I'll be more in-tune. I do notice myself being more in-tune already and picking up on others' body language more and tuning into how they are feeling, not because I am in caretaker mode but because I'm feeling my body and I feel my reaction to their body too. (mirror neurons?)
I guess that's the way to go, building the capacity to relate while staying in the body. I might have to take it slow and start with pretty easy tasks, since I simply don't have any practice doing this. I'm back at less than a few years old - level of experience in this.
- - -
Task of trauma therapy: not just feeling through the backlog, but getting to where it's safe to feel
I'm realizing that the goal of trauma therapy, and the necessary accomplishment for the benefits, is NOT just to feel everything you've been disconnected from, not just to feel the stored feelings, but ALSO to get to where you feel that "It is safe to feel."
I'm putting together a "felt sense" that it is ok to feel whatever comes up in my body, between having experiences where I let feelings take over and it was ok, and supportive human connections, and positive feelings (if some of the feelings start to be wonderful, then it makes feeling feelings seem like a better deal).
(I've been having some more amazing physical feelings of bliss and contentment and 'healthiness' than I've had before, it's just amazing. and add that to taking care of myself well from a sensory perspective, using binaural beats, etc. It's possible to feel just far more amazing than I knew.)
This reminds me of that wonderful teacher, Florain Schlosser, who brings the body back into non-duality. Lots of what he says about letting a feeling take over and feeling the nervous system of people around you is very similar to what I'm learning about with trauma and health.
- - -
With trauma therapy, I don't think it's that you need to attack all the repressed feelings and keep probing until every last one is out. It's not that you are done when you have felt every last bad feeling, and in fact, if you do this without building a sense that it is safe to feel in general, then you are certainly not done.
Instead, I think it's that you invest slowly and from many directions in something very wonderful and healthy and valuable, a felt sense and bodily confidence that it is safe to feel.
Many things can contribute to this:
Feeling repressed feelings (shows the body that it is ok to feel these)
Choosing to have people in one's life who will be safe to have feelings around
Not disowning what you know to be real, not hiding from the truth
Learning ways to regulate one's own nervous system, so that if feelings are too much, you can get yourself back to safety
Learning that others have felt and do feel what you feel, you aren't alone with these feelings (reminds me of a great Richard Moss talk on Conscious.tv) - has been a breakthrough for me with trauma therapy
Building a sense that "someone" or "something" is looking out for you or that you are part of something, whether God, "Intelligence," the human community, etc.
Learning how to bounce back and recover after times when you get overwhelmed and block your feeling again or go into familiar patterns of distancing from feelings (just as you learn to recover after arguments in a relationship, when you jump into old protective patterns)
Come to think of it, it's like building a good "relationship" with your body. It takes time to build trust, but having a good relationship can be very healthy and rewarding, whether between you and another person or between you and your body.
- - -
Trauma therapy is not about search and destroy, just as Lyme or cancer treatment is not about getting every last bug or cell; rather it's about building the unity of the organism, the "okayness."
Lyme and cancer treatment seem to be about getting your system to the point where it's ok with having bugs/microorganisms/cancer cells around and it can deal with them.
Trauma therapy seems to be about getting your system to a place where it's ok with negative feelings and it can feel them without getting overwhelmed over over-reacting.
- - -
I'm putting together a "felt sense" that it is ok to feel whatever comes up in my body, between having experiences where I let feelings take over and it was ok, and supportive human connections, and positive feelings (if some of the feelings start to be wonderful, then it makes feeling feelings seem like a better deal).
(I've been having some more amazing physical feelings of bliss and contentment and 'healthiness' than I've had before, it's just amazing. and add that to taking care of myself well from a sensory perspective, using binaural beats, etc. It's possible to feel just far more amazing than I knew.)
This reminds me of that wonderful teacher, Florain Schlosser, who brings the body back into non-duality. Lots of what he says about letting a feeling take over and feeling the nervous system of people around you is very similar to what I'm learning about with trauma and health.
- - -
With trauma therapy, I don't think it's that you need to attack all the repressed feelings and keep probing until every last one is out. It's not that you are done when you have felt every last bad feeling, and in fact, if you do this without building a sense that it is safe to feel in general, then you are certainly not done.
Instead, I think it's that you invest slowly and from many directions in something very wonderful and healthy and valuable, a felt sense and bodily confidence that it is safe to feel.
Many things can contribute to this:
Feeling repressed feelings (shows the body that it is ok to feel these)
Choosing to have people in one's life who will be safe to have feelings around
Not disowning what you know to be real, not hiding from the truth
Learning ways to regulate one's own nervous system, so that if feelings are too much, you can get yourself back to safety
Learning that others have felt and do feel what you feel, you aren't alone with these feelings (reminds me of a great Richard Moss talk on Conscious.tv) - has been a breakthrough for me with trauma therapy
Building a sense that "someone" or "something" is looking out for you or that you are part of something, whether God, "Intelligence," the human community, etc.
Learning how to bounce back and recover after times when you get overwhelmed and block your feeling again or go into familiar patterns of distancing from feelings (just as you learn to recover after arguments in a relationship, when you jump into old protective patterns)
Come to think of it, it's like building a good "relationship" with your body. It takes time to build trust, but having a good relationship can be very healthy and rewarding, whether between you and another person or between you and your body.
- - -
Trauma therapy is not about search and destroy, just as Lyme or cancer treatment is not about getting every last bug or cell; rather it's about building the unity of the organism, the "okayness."
Lyme and cancer treatment seem to be about getting your system to the point where it's ok with having bugs/microorganisms/cancer cells around and it can deal with them.
Trauma therapy seems to be about getting your system to a place where it's ok with negative feelings and it can feel them without getting overwhelmed over over-reacting.
- - -
Feeling feet and arms
After reading a friend's essay about psilocybin and OCD, I started feeling my feet and arms much more, maybe from the feeling of hope and safety the story conveyed, where mushrooms turned out to be a wonderful solution for some of the people interviewed in the story.
Maybe it was the feeling of inter hemispheric peace that got me to start feeling my body more.
It's so exciting to realize, "I have nerves down there in my feet!"
I actually have the capability to feel them!
- - -
Maybe it was the feeling of inter hemispheric peace that got me to start feeling my body more.
It's so exciting to realize, "I have nerves down there in my feet!"
I actually have the capability to feel them!
- - -
Just feel everything
So I am catching on from The Primal Scream that the end goal is for the body to feel that it is safe to feel anything.
Anything that comes up from the past, any stored feelings, any "unacceptable" feelings, etc. '
When you feel a feeling coming, you normally do a "check" to see, is it ok to feel this?
The same way you pick up on what is safe to touch/eat etc. from your parents, you might pick up on what is safe to feel from them, too, and learn their habits (e.g., of not feeling).
I guess you get to a point where when you do that "check," you say, yes, it's ok to feel this.
- - -
I think as kids we might learn some things are not ok to feel, because they might be overwhelming, we might not be able to control ourselves, our parents might abandon us for feeling them, etc.
But as adults with more of a prefrontal cortex, it's more ok to feel. Our brains can handle it better.
That's why I think we develop these patterns of running away from feelings as kids, and then being surprised when we finally let ourselves feel stuff as adults at how it is, well, not as overwhelming or long-lasting as we had expected. Often less painful than going around with repression.
And I guess the point is to respond to your own feelings without fear or depression, to just let them exist, see them as neutral and acceptable.
- - -
Anything that comes up from the past, any stored feelings, any "unacceptable" feelings, etc. '
When you feel a feeling coming, you normally do a "check" to see, is it ok to feel this?
The same way you pick up on what is safe to touch/eat etc. from your parents, you might pick up on what is safe to feel from them, too, and learn their habits (e.g., of not feeling).
I guess you get to a point where when you do that "check," you say, yes, it's ok to feel this.
- - -
I think as kids we might learn some things are not ok to feel, because they might be overwhelming, we might not be able to control ourselves, our parents might abandon us for feeling them, etc.
But as adults with more of a prefrontal cortex, it's more ok to feel. Our brains can handle it better.
That's why I think we develop these patterns of running away from feelings as kids, and then being surprised when we finally let ourselves feel stuff as adults at how it is, well, not as overwhelming or long-lasting as we had expected. Often less painful than going around with repression.
And I guess the point is to respond to your own feelings without fear or depression, to just let them exist, see them as neutral and acceptable.
- - -
The Primal Scream
I'm reading The Primal Scream by Arthur Janov. Seems like some extreme psychotherapy methods (keeping people up all night and all), but most of what he is saying corresponds exactly with my experience so far. Funny to think they knew this back in the sixties (I had thought the whole way trauma works had been elucidated more recently).
He makes a good point that "normal," non-neurotic people don't have very intense feelings as a consequence of regular life events. There is not much to draw from for triggering.
And when people have intense life feelings there is often some "Primal" feeling behind them.
In my case:
When I feel despondent and think, "Nothing I do works out anyway," there is probably some ineffectual baby trying to get its needs met in there.
I'm realizing that behind my intense anger when I think people are messing with me and causing intense frustration of my basic needs, is intense anger at my family, not so much for anything specific or knowing since they had some good parts, but just for their ineffectiveness as parents and for leaving me with so much to deal with, and not coming through on some very basic things parents are supposed to do.
Whenever I say "Fuck. You." to my boyfriend, I mean it for my parents.
It's better to get in touch with this original anger than to keep hurting people who haven't done anything (or at least not much) wrong to me.
Just so. fucking. angry.
It's funny because I guess I identify with my parents. As I get older and deal with some overwhelming life challenges, I have compassion for how they felt overwhelmed. I'm starting to run into some of the same roadblocks that kept them from being their best selves. Most of the things I blame them for, I've done myself (and I haven't even had kids (yet!)).
But I'm very angry at "life" or "the people who are supposed to be there for me" or something for what feels like psychological torture and abuse. Feels like I've just been teased with tiny bits of goodness so I know what I'm missing, and then large periods of aloneness, physical discomfort, sensory processing torture, unsafety, restrictions, strict rules for how I have to live so that I don't injure my body, long-term injuries, etc.
I do have a lot of trauma from having Lyme. It's something where you almost don't want to stop and feel how awful and scary it is until you are out of it, like running a marathon, where you don't want to stop and feel how tired you are.
I'm running into a stressful situation with work, where I'm fucking tired. It's been an exhausting internship. Now I'm supposed to negotiate a contract. There's a lot of client work coming through. It seems like they might just want me as an extra hand on deck to handle the disaster they are having there, but I hate disasters and emergencies at work. It's like my life's mission to prevent these and to handle even high workflows in a calm and peaceful way with plenty of down time.
Whatever I negotiate, I can't end up getting "dicked around." I need to feel good about whatever I agree to. They are probably going to keep paying me so I can keep affording my food and therapeutic stuff (like Aloe Life aloe, etc., fucking expensive Lyme treatment).
I just need to provide for myself well.
I can do SO much more work if I am in control of it myself.
I really don't want to be a peon there who carries out others' orders. I want to have control of the research myself.
- - -
He makes a good point that "normal," non-neurotic people don't have very intense feelings as a consequence of regular life events. There is not much to draw from for triggering.
And when people have intense life feelings there is often some "Primal" feeling behind them.
In my case:
When I feel despondent and think, "Nothing I do works out anyway," there is probably some ineffectual baby trying to get its needs met in there.
I'm realizing that behind my intense anger when I think people are messing with me and causing intense frustration of my basic needs, is intense anger at my family, not so much for anything specific or knowing since they had some good parts, but just for their ineffectiveness as parents and for leaving me with so much to deal with, and not coming through on some very basic things parents are supposed to do.
Whenever I say "Fuck. You." to my boyfriend, I mean it for my parents.
It's better to get in touch with this original anger than to keep hurting people who haven't done anything (or at least not much) wrong to me.
Just so. fucking. angry.
It's funny because I guess I identify with my parents. As I get older and deal with some overwhelming life challenges, I have compassion for how they felt overwhelmed. I'm starting to run into some of the same roadblocks that kept them from being their best selves. Most of the things I blame them for, I've done myself (and I haven't even had kids (yet!)).
But I'm very angry at "life" or "the people who are supposed to be there for me" or something for what feels like psychological torture and abuse. Feels like I've just been teased with tiny bits of goodness so I know what I'm missing, and then large periods of aloneness, physical discomfort, sensory processing torture, unsafety, restrictions, strict rules for how I have to live so that I don't injure my body, long-term injuries, etc.
I do have a lot of trauma from having Lyme. It's something where you almost don't want to stop and feel how awful and scary it is until you are out of it, like running a marathon, where you don't want to stop and feel how tired you are.
I'm running into a stressful situation with work, where I'm fucking tired. It's been an exhausting internship. Now I'm supposed to negotiate a contract. There's a lot of client work coming through. It seems like they might just want me as an extra hand on deck to handle the disaster they are having there, but I hate disasters and emergencies at work. It's like my life's mission to prevent these and to handle even high workflows in a calm and peaceful way with plenty of down time.
Whatever I negotiate, I can't end up getting "dicked around." I need to feel good about whatever I agree to. They are probably going to keep paying me so I can keep affording my food and therapeutic stuff (like Aloe Life aloe, etc., fucking expensive Lyme treatment).
I just need to provide for myself well.
I can do SO much more work if I am in control of it myself.
I really don't want to be a peon there who carries out others' orders. I want to have control of the research myself.
- - -
Poor mitochondrial function and ancestral legacy of trauma
Given that Acetyl-L-carnitine seems to help with PTSD and trauma, I wonder if people with poor mitochondrial function are more susceptible to trauma.
(L-carnitine improves mitochondrial function.)
That would seem to correlate with what I observe: These entire family lineages of people with low energy, poor mental health, accumulated trauma, as well as heart disease, cancer, diabetes, autoimmune disease and other problems correlated with Type II Hypothyroidism (low mitochondrial function).
And these people tend to marry, because they have similarly low energy, low self-esteem, low mental health, etc.
It also could help to explain the seeming epidemic of trauma these days. While we have stopped the epidemics of infections with antibiotics (and people no longer die regularly from TB, etc.), we now have a lot of people surviving to reproductive age with poor mitochondria of the type that usually would have made them susceptible to death from infection, and these people are prone to having (and giving) trauma.
Parents' own mental illness and trauma seems to be one of the surest "infecting" sources of trauma for children. I feel like I picked it up almost directly in pristine form from my dad, like I have "exactly what he has," even though I don't know what he is traumatized about.
In an unsanitary world, I probably would have died from childhood infection. But instead I'm an adult with trauma symptoms ... that go down when I take ALCAR. Hm...
- - -
(L-carnitine improves mitochondrial function.)
That would seem to correlate with what I observe: These entire family lineages of people with low energy, poor mental health, accumulated trauma, as well as heart disease, cancer, diabetes, autoimmune disease and other problems correlated with Type II Hypothyroidism (low mitochondrial function).
And these people tend to marry, because they have similarly low energy, low self-esteem, low mental health, etc.
It also could help to explain the seeming epidemic of trauma these days. While we have stopped the epidemics of infections with antibiotics (and people no longer die regularly from TB, etc.), we now have a lot of people surviving to reproductive age with poor mitochondria of the type that usually would have made them susceptible to death from infection, and these people are prone to having (and giving) trauma.
Parents' own mental illness and trauma seems to be one of the surest "infecting" sources of trauma for children. I feel like I picked it up almost directly in pristine form from my dad, like I have "exactly what he has," even though I don't know what he is traumatized about.
In an unsanitary world, I probably would have died from childhood infection. But instead I'm an adult with trauma symptoms ... that go down when I take ALCAR. Hm...
- - -
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Reliving abandonment trauma with a positive outcome
Alright, so at this point I know I need to create a trauma blog to express what I am going through.
I just can't say enough how intense this is, trauma therapy and the nervous system reorganizing.
It's something like a very long drug trip that never ends, where you never go back to how you were before.
I feel good being able to describe what is happening with adequate analogies. If only I can get an analogy:
1) It finally makes sense to me, and
2) I know that I can pull that out of my hat if I need to explain it to someone else.
Another one I came up with earlier was that these abandonment triggers are like going through drug withdrawal in rehab, but having the drugs you are withdrawing from given back to you and taken from you randomly, so that you oscillate between your nervous system crying out for them and going through physical (HPA axis, digestion, energy, physical symptoms) withdrawal and then what feels like complete relief and euphoria and everything being as it should be again. (Where when you feel that the person is distant and you can't talk to them/be around them it's like drug withdrawal, and when you are in touch with them and things are good between you again it's like being satisfied again.)
The more trauma I process, the more strongly I feel these two poles. The "complex PTSD flashbacks" are so intense and so physical that I worry I might be physically harmed or get sick from them, and sometimes I do develop a sore throat. But as this article states, the feelings are always easier to handle if I just allow them and don't try to make them go away.
It's funny because the past few times when I have gotten back in touch with my partner after a time of crying out and needing them "no matter what" (it feels), I have felt such intense and wonderful physical relief. I felt it again now just thinking about that situation, of not just feeling safe but feeling capable.
It sounds perverse but I feel so capable and great in the world when I can call my partner 20 times when he is in the library and doesn't want to be called and finally he picks up. That is like "Major Success" for a baby. That's what the attachment system evolved to do. I get a very big built-in reward for doing that. My body says, "Good job baby for not giving up, for continuing to cry. You saved yourself from certain death. Here are some wonderful chemicals for your trouble. Keep it up!"
Maybe I can just run through a "positive outcome" for attachment trauma in my mind over and over, where I'm a baby crying in the forest ... or where I'm in "that place" (people with trauma might know what I mean), and then I cry out and reach out and someone or something comes and then All is Right With the World again.
They say that that kind of therapy is useful for survivors of adult trauma: where you relive the event but do something that shows your capability to protect yourself, like using martial arts on an actor who is play-acting your traumatic scene with you.
It's almost too much to imagine reliving that story with a happy ending. That "place out there" has seemed until now way beyond the reach of any human being, somewhere that only existed for me. It's just delicious to imagine that someone else could be with me while I felt it that perhaps if I cried out while I was there, someone would come.
- - -
I just can't say enough how intense this is, trauma therapy and the nervous system reorganizing.
It's something like a very long drug trip that never ends, where you never go back to how you were before.
I feel good being able to describe what is happening with adequate analogies. If only I can get an analogy:
1) It finally makes sense to me, and
2) I know that I can pull that out of my hat if I need to explain it to someone else.
Another one I came up with earlier was that these abandonment triggers are like going through drug withdrawal in rehab, but having the drugs you are withdrawing from given back to you and taken from you randomly, so that you oscillate between your nervous system crying out for them and going through physical (HPA axis, digestion, energy, physical symptoms) withdrawal and then what feels like complete relief and euphoria and everything being as it should be again. (Where when you feel that the person is distant and you can't talk to them/be around them it's like drug withdrawal, and when you are in touch with them and things are good between you again it's like being satisfied again.)
The more trauma I process, the more strongly I feel these two poles. The "complex PTSD flashbacks" are so intense and so physical that I worry I might be physically harmed or get sick from them, and sometimes I do develop a sore throat. But as this article states, the feelings are always easier to handle if I just allow them and don't try to make them go away.
It's funny because the past few times when I have gotten back in touch with my partner after a time of crying out and needing them "no matter what" (it feels), I have felt such intense and wonderful physical relief. I felt it again now just thinking about that situation, of not just feeling safe but feeling capable.
It sounds perverse but I feel so capable and great in the world when I can call my partner 20 times when he is in the library and doesn't want to be called and finally he picks up. That is like "Major Success" for a baby. That's what the attachment system evolved to do. I get a very big built-in reward for doing that. My body says, "Good job baby for not giving up, for continuing to cry. You saved yourself from certain death. Here are some wonderful chemicals for your trouble. Keep it up!"
Maybe I can just run through a "positive outcome" for attachment trauma in my mind over and over, where I'm a baby crying in the forest ... or where I'm in "that place" (people with trauma might know what I mean), and then I cry out and reach out and someone or something comes and then All is Right With the World again.
They say that that kind of therapy is useful for survivors of adult trauma: where you relive the event but do something that shows your capability to protect yourself, like using martial arts on an actor who is play-acting your traumatic scene with you.
It's almost too much to imagine reliving that story with a happy ending. That "place out there" has seemed until now way beyond the reach of any human being, somewhere that only existed for me. It's just delicious to imagine that someone else could be with me while I felt it that perhaps if I cried out while I was there, someone would come.
- - -
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