First, I had an amazing visit with my boyfriend.
The subliminal and brainwave mp3s and the Acetyl L-carnitine must really be helping, since it was basically effortless to hang out with him with no problems. He kept saying that it was great to be with someone who was also like an adult. I didn't have any of the problems I'd been having before. 't was just such a fun time.
Secondly, the Acetyl L-carnitine really, really helps.
I just had something happen that typically would have made me sad for hours, and which seemed like it was going to --
I met with a therapist to learn about a trauma group she runs, since I thought it might be a more affordable alternative to the individual therapy I've been attending.
She didn't mention that there was any cost for meeting her. When I started to leave, she said, how will you be paying for this? It's $70.
I said, I didn't realize I was paying anything for this. You didn't mention it.
I felt really surprised and taken advantage of, and I was almost certain she had not mentioned it in the emails. Also I probably would not have gone to see her if I knew it would cost something, since I've been having problems affording out-of-pocket therapy on a low budget while treating Lyme disease.
I felt so upset. I asked if I could give her half instead, and she said how about $40, so I gave her $40, but I felt really upset about it. That $40 would have otherwise bought a lot of groceries or two months of aloe vera juice or whatever.
I guess I've been feeling really angry about what therapy costs for me out of pocket. I've been seeing a really excellent therapist, but it's been costing almost as much as my rent. Now I have basically no savings. I guess I get sucked into it where I feel like something is wrong with me and I need help, and once you are in the habit of seeing a therapist, it gets complicated where it's hard to stop going for financial reasons because so much else is involved.
It's always really bugged me that therapists would expect you to PAY to come see them for a last time to have closure.
Anyway, after losing $40 to this informational session, when I decided not to attend the group anyway, I called my original therapist and said that I just couldn't come anymore for financial reasons. She was actually really considerate about it and suggested that she call me back and go over what we've accomplished, free, on the phone sometime.
It melted my heart, the particular way that she was validating how I felt and looking out for what would be good for me in the long run, and also validating my ability to keep working on my progress without her (she has respected my own abilities).
After that I felt, how can I leave this respectful arrangement, where someone actually looks out for me? It almost made me cry.
I guess in my family my dad and to some extent my mom were looking out for themselves and not thinking about what was good for me. That's why it melts me when my boyfriend thinks about what would be good for me, even if it is uncomfortable for him.
I probably have a tendency to treat others like my parents treated me. I might be like that somewhat with my boyfriend, where I want him to do certain things treatment-wise or with his life because I think it would be good for him. I could work on looking out for what is good for him even when it's not the best thing for me, basically wanting what's good for him for its own sake.
Anyway, I am fascinated by this other way that people can treat one another, and I guess I want to keep seeing this therapist if only to learn about this other possibility. But probably every other week since once a week is not affordable.
I'm a little scared by the intimacy. what will happen when I eventually need to move on? It's a little weird having an intimate connection with a professional person. And she says that in comparison with many of her clients, I hold myself back more.
It's also weird because therapy seems to pick at my scabs. I can be doing fine, then I go to therapy and it stirs things up again.
It definitely is helping me in the long run, where I express myself more and I get sick less and I can talk about things without getting as reactive.
Maybe it would help if I still got help from my dad for therapy, like half what he has been giving me. It helps to have money for therapy and Lyme treatment, since these are just hard to afford on a low budget as a young worker, someone who still qualifies for state health insurance and is within some range of the federal poverty guidelines.
I guess I've been so, so eager to get out from under him and to make him happy that I've been trying to give up treatments that help me, but maybe I should just be more patient. As long as he sees things are moving forward he'll be happy, and I can make the transition to being on my own more slowly. I'm still definitely in a needy phase where I need a lot of treatment, support, special nutrition, etc., and the more I build myself up now (I'm seeing) the better results I get and the more I can handle later on.
I guess it's a model of building yourself up to where you are very strong, and then being able to handle life, rather than throwing yourself into life before you are ready and just trying to survive by force of will and deprivation. I've done the latter most of my life because it was encouraged by my dad.
I also realized from my boyfriend that I seem to have a real problem with confrontation. It makes me realize that in my job, I should really try to advocate for what I truly want, which is a job based not solely on hours but basically on what I accomplish. I should try to show them how that is better for them and how they can still measure my performance.
Anyway, after all of this, I took some acetyl l-carnitine, and I feel so much better. The nervous system pain almost went away and I feel decent and competent and happy.
This stuff (ALCAR) is SO freaking helpful for trauma, for those really intense trigger feelings. Just takes down the intensity and pain level for me. It does disturb my sleep, though, if I take it after noon or so.
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