I've been increasingly upset because many trauma therapists don't seem to "get" attachment disorder or developmental trauma. They think they do, but then it becomes clear that even with a few hours of watching videos online or just observing the patterns, I know more about it than they do.
I keep getting frustrated by the misattunement.
The techniques for trauma in general are helpful to a point, but sometimes they are not great and can even make the problem worse, if the reactive attachment side is not being addressed properly.
I haven't found anyone yet who seems to understand the severity of it or who seems to offer advice that seems to match what it might take to fix it. I keep having people suggesting these approaches that seem to ignore how hard-wired and immediate and reflexive this problem can be.
I've read articles and books by these people, though, and that has been the most helpful thing.
Most of the real treatment centers for this are for children only. And people who treat it often charge $140+ per session.
This is why I've been thinking about stopping seeing my current therapist, who is so wonderful otherwise. I feel like I need to save my out-of-pocket therapy budget for books, resources, or occasional therapy with people who specialize in this very tricky and very intense disorder. It is hard handling it alone.
The subliminal mp3s like Anger Management and getting over the fear of being alone have been the thing that's helped me the most. Perhaps these are able to work on the subconscious where the problem exists.
The pitfalls:
-If I read too much about it in scholarly books, I tend to identify with it more or to get scared about the physical dangers of separation stress, because then I learn about all the biochemical changes from it.
-If I get trauma therapy, I get frustrated beyond belief that the therapy is "almost" good enough and how I "almost" feel safe, but then the therapists don't get the developmental trauma part (and this just reiterates the theme of the trauma, which is getting some connection and attunement, but not enough -- enough to make you hungry for it but not enough to let you relax. It can be maddening.)
-That is basically what generates the RAD anger: the extreme frustration of getting a little but having it be unpredictable or not quite what you need, so that you get your hopes up and then keep getting them dashed. You think, "Could they just make up their mind and stop tormenting me? Just be one or the other!"
-When I read about it in resources FOR people with RAD, I feel this amazing sense of happiness. Finally there is attunement. Finally someone gets why I do this, how much it scares me, how much I don't want to be like this, how much I just want to be able to have a good relationship without this causing my partner to turn away from me in painful ways.
-I think it's just that I am looking for people who understand, and people who understand but not quite are just extremely frustrating and almost retraumatizing at this point.
-I might be perfectionistic about this, but on the other hand, it's a common theme I see with therapy. Many therapists think they can handle cases they can't handle. It's like a family practice physician thinking he can handle every severe medical problem without referring to a specialist. It's because in therapy, it is less clear when an approach or a set of knowledge is inadequate for a case. Many therapists think "my approach can handle that," when sometimes it can't.
-Also, therapists are in business for themselves many times, rather than being employed by a practice, and so they have an interest in keeping patients. It is harder to refer to a specialist when this means losing some of your business.
-Basically, it is up to individual patients to recognize when they need more specialization than a particular therapist offers.
-Trying to deal with issues that a therapist is not adequately trained in can be as harmful as getting your cancer treated by someone without cancer training. We tend to think that if problems are just "emotional," then they are not serious, but I'm coming to see them as just another type of physical condition. If you can tell you have a serious physical condition or a serious "mental/emotional" condition, it's worth looking for the best care you can find.
-You know that feeling you get when you are with an expert whom you can trust, where you can tell they have enough knowledge and understanding of what's happening, and when what they recommend works better for you than anything you can come up with yourself? That is care worth paying for. Look for that.
And in its absence, treat yourself, because you might be the best you have.
Basically if you are more informed about the situation than a practitioner, don't just trust them because they have training. You might be more informed than they are about your particular condition. I have an easy time doing this with medical conditions but a harder time when it comes to emotional conditions, but I'm coming to see there is very little difference.
-I might keep seeing my current therapist sometimes because she is good at what she does, BUT I will talk about it with her and establish that I'm going to be the expert for my RAD issues since she is not as trained in this.
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