It's Not Your Fault scene from Good Will Hunting

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92D15qtI_Gk

I love how you can see how it just takes a while to get it, and it's scary to believe it, like it's too good to be true.

Because many of the after-effects of parental abuse or neglect DO come across as someone's fault.

You go through life with people saying you should do things differently, that you're not behaving right, that you're making bad decisions, that you're over-reacting, that you don't know how to stand up for yourself, that you're too perfectionistic, etc.

It seems like if you're an adult, you're supposed to magically provide anything you didn't get as a kid, even if it is hard to obtain properly especially without a lot of income. People use whatever skills they did get to try to cover for what they don't have but can end up with less-than-optimal solutions.

- - -

The line that gets to me the most is "don't fuck with me," because I know exactly how that feels. and i've said the same thing to people.

It's like, don't you dare hurt me by being sort of there and making me feel safe and then coming in for the blow just as I open up and get vulnerable. Don't you dare put me through another round of getting my hopes up and then getting disappointed.

It means that when you are going through this, you do need to be careful to feel out people before trusting them.

The therapist I saw this morning was not trustworthy and not someone safe for me. When she realized I had no idea I was paying for finding out about the group, she insisted she had told me (she hadn't) and acted weird, and when I said that I wanted to cancel the appointment I had scheduled in the future with her, she tried to convince me that the two were not related, when in fact they were. I saw how she reacted to an unusual situation and she didn't pass the test, and therefore I wasn't going to trust her with my inner feelings.

In contrast, my other therapist passes tests. She shows in many ways that she can handle it when I don't like her, when I go through things, etc.

It is such a relief to be with someone who is like an adult, who is settled enough with themselves that they can be a safe place for you on terms that are good for you, that are not about you taking care of them.

It's funny, when I am negotiating for my job offer, I am almost trying to take care of the company myself. It's just weird. I am the only one looking out for me. I'm in a good position where they probably want to do whatever they can to keep me, so I should really advocate for what will be good for me.

- - - -