Just had a really disturbing friend break-up where someone I had generally trusted, although I noticed a few warning signs, got offended when I was direct about something I thought was important to discuss and then went on to be extremely, extremely disturbing. I gave some chances for us to talk through it and recover as friends but it just got more and more disturbing, with more and more narcissistic techniques.
I guess the message I should have heard was that the person was hurt or felt upset. I think that's how I'll interpret all of that, since I guess I am getting better at reading emotional code. The message was, "I feel sad, hurt, shocked, surprised, embarrassed, afraid of losing control of the situation and not getting what I want."
It was good to see myself responding differently than I would have in the past: recognizing warning signs which turned out to be true, not getting swayed by the narcissistic techniques to discredit the messenger.
But it was just really really freaky to have those things back in my life again, after spending so much time with that and then thankfully escaping it, and then getting re-trained in my much healthier current relationship.
It's just really difficult to deal with narcissism, even when you know what is going on.
It was so weird to be in a conversation where I was recognizing narcissistic techniques right and left, but I knew that if I started pointing them out the person probably would get more upset. It was weird to be able to see it this time (since I couldn't see it when I was with my ex) but not to be able to do anything about it.
Basically narcs are really really hard to deal with. I'm not strong enough. There are people I just need to avoid. It's a dangerous game. In cases where I can't fully avoid narcs I need to limit my involvement and maintain emotional independence so they do not have a hook into me.
It's just fascinating that people can have emotional issues that end up being so incredibly tricky and damaging.
I guess I have something like past "narc addiction" - where I used to be controlled by them, and I am prone to getting controlled by them, so I am perhaps more susceptible to them than most people, since I tend to be honest, direct, and vulnerable and to share what I am feeling. I tend to be trusting.
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But what it made me realize was that in your life, the absence of certain people can have almost as large an impact as the presence of certain people.
I'm almost as excited to figure things about about a particular person and have them out of my life (I'm trying to use 'them' as a pronoun rather than he and she) as I am to meet a new person and have them in my life, because in both cases there's a wonderful new space/opportunity, something fresh and new and perhaps better.
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The other thing I realize is that the greater mimics the lesser. Time and again, the way people behave in major conflicts or crises mimics how they behave in very minor issues.
I'm getting better at reading people based on small things they do.
I could tell from one of my current boyfriend's first emails to me that he was a considerate, caring, gentle person. I thought, "in another life I'd like to be with that person." It's been true! I read it correctly!
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What else do I learn from this? Basically that emotional health and being good to others is not just the absence of doing bad things, but it's also a practice of learning what works and what feels good to people's nervous systems including your own.
It's a continual practice of seeing others do it, finding examples of people who do it well, reading about it, etc.
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Also, the last thing is that there comes a point in a recovery process where you change so much that there is a break and you feel like someone different. I am feeling that break now.
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I see I am still making mistakes. I'm not perfect. I'm just trying to do better this month, year, etc. than I did the last.
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