Mental health systems need to be voluntary
Give rights to those with psychiatric labels (or rather, respect the rights they already have)
Treatment should equal healing, not punishment
Make consumer/survivor-driven alternatives to traditional mental health systems a priority
- - - -
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Great interview on shame and violence
Following up on that last post about shunning.
I've been thinking about how trauma and violence can be related, where people who have experienced acute or systematic trauma might be more likely to be violent.
Here is a really excellent interview on this issue. I highly recommend it.
http://safespaceradio.com/category/domestic-violence/
- - -
I've been thinking about how trauma and violence can be related, where people who have experienced acute or systematic trauma might be more likely to be violent.
Here is a really excellent interview on this issue. I highly recommend it.
http://safespaceradio.com/category/domestic-violence/
- - -
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Why am I vulnerable to shunning
My boyfriend wants me to write about why I end up feeling so bad when I have a confrontation or when people think I have done something wrong, even if I haven't.
I guess it is that I really don't want to be seen as bad, and I take what others think of me to be the truth, even if I know they are wrong.
It's like all that matters is that others not think I am bad.
This holds me back, where I am afraid to advocate for myself for fear of seeming like I am taking too much.
It's much better if I just advocate for myself and stay firm with what feels fair to me and not get drawn into things that don't feel fair.
- - -
I just feel so bad that the therapist might have thought that I was trying to take a session from her without paying. I would feel like a thief running away without paying.
I also sometimes feel like a thief if I get a lot of work done but people at work aren't sure about how much I am getting done.
What do I think would happen if they thought bad things about me? It would make me a bad person.
I guess in the job situation, it's my responsibility to make sure they know what I am doing. Being straightforward and doing a good job is enough.
What would happen if I were a bad person? My fears would be confirmed. Others would look at me with scorn. I would be chastised and shunned.
- - -
Maybe the issue is that I don't have a strong enough tribe of people whom I know like me to keep me supported when other people might not like me.
Any checkout staff, random people I meet, etc. are my 'tribe' for now, so I feel really scared if they don't like me. (e.g. I don't have a huge social circle outside work, so what people at work think about me really matters to me.).
Also I end up being vulnerable with a number of people or caring about what they think, because I don't have that much regular support in my life anyway.
I guess the thing is to meet more people and have more regular social support, people who see me for how I want to be seen.
- - -
I guess it is that I really don't want to be seen as bad, and I take what others think of me to be the truth, even if I know they are wrong.
It's like all that matters is that others not think I am bad.
This holds me back, where I am afraid to advocate for myself for fear of seeming like I am taking too much.
It's much better if I just advocate for myself and stay firm with what feels fair to me and not get drawn into things that don't feel fair.
- - -
I just feel so bad that the therapist might have thought that I was trying to take a session from her without paying. I would feel like a thief running away without paying.
I also sometimes feel like a thief if I get a lot of work done but people at work aren't sure about how much I am getting done.
What do I think would happen if they thought bad things about me? It would make me a bad person.
I guess in the job situation, it's my responsibility to make sure they know what I am doing. Being straightforward and doing a good job is enough.
What would happen if I were a bad person? My fears would be confirmed. Others would look at me with scorn. I would be chastised and shunned.
- - -
Maybe the issue is that I don't have a strong enough tribe of people whom I know like me to keep me supported when other people might not like me.
Any checkout staff, random people I meet, etc. are my 'tribe' for now, so I feel really scared if they don't like me. (e.g. I don't have a huge social circle outside work, so what people at work think about me really matters to me.).
Also I end up being vulnerable with a number of people or caring about what they think, because I don't have that much regular support in my life anyway.
I guess the thing is to meet more people and have more regular social support, people who see me for how I want to be seen.
- - -
It's Not Your Fault scene from Good Will Hunting
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92D15qtI_Gk
I love how you can see how it just takes a while to get it, and it's scary to believe it, like it's too good to be true.
Because many of the after-effects of parental abuse or neglect DO come across as someone's fault.
You go through life with people saying you should do things differently, that you're not behaving right, that you're making bad decisions, that you're over-reacting, that you don't know how to stand up for yourself, that you're too perfectionistic, etc.
It seems like if you're an adult, you're supposed to magically provide anything you didn't get as a kid, even if it is hard to obtain properly especially without a lot of income. People use whatever skills they did get to try to cover for what they don't have but can end up with less-than-optimal solutions.
- - -
The line that gets to me the most is "don't fuck with me," because I know exactly how that feels. and i've said the same thing to people.
It's like, don't you dare hurt me by being sort of there and making me feel safe and then coming in for the blow just as I open up and get vulnerable. Don't you dare put me through another round of getting my hopes up and then getting disappointed.
It means that when you are going through this, you do need to be careful to feel out people before trusting them.
The therapist I saw this morning was not trustworthy and not someone safe for me. When she realized I had no idea I was paying for finding out about the group, she insisted she had told me (she hadn't) and acted weird, and when I said that I wanted to cancel the appointment I had scheduled in the future with her, she tried to convince me that the two were not related, when in fact they were. I saw how she reacted to an unusual situation and she didn't pass the test, and therefore I wasn't going to trust her with my inner feelings.
In contrast, my other therapist passes tests. She shows in many ways that she can handle it when I don't like her, when I go through things, etc.
It is such a relief to be with someone who is like an adult, who is settled enough with themselves that they can be a safe place for you on terms that are good for you, that are not about you taking care of them.
It's funny, when I am negotiating for my job offer, I am almost trying to take care of the company myself. It's just weird. I am the only one looking out for me. I'm in a good position where they probably want to do whatever they can to keep me, so I should really advocate for what will be good for me.
- - - -
I love how you can see how it just takes a while to get it, and it's scary to believe it, like it's too good to be true.
Because many of the after-effects of parental abuse or neglect DO come across as someone's fault.
You go through life with people saying you should do things differently, that you're not behaving right, that you're making bad decisions, that you're over-reacting, that you don't know how to stand up for yourself, that you're too perfectionistic, etc.
It seems like if you're an adult, you're supposed to magically provide anything you didn't get as a kid, even if it is hard to obtain properly especially without a lot of income. People use whatever skills they did get to try to cover for what they don't have but can end up with less-than-optimal solutions.
- - -
The line that gets to me the most is "don't fuck with me," because I know exactly how that feels. and i've said the same thing to people.
It's like, don't you dare hurt me by being sort of there and making me feel safe and then coming in for the blow just as I open up and get vulnerable. Don't you dare put me through another round of getting my hopes up and then getting disappointed.
It means that when you are going through this, you do need to be careful to feel out people before trusting them.
The therapist I saw this morning was not trustworthy and not someone safe for me. When she realized I had no idea I was paying for finding out about the group, she insisted she had told me (she hadn't) and acted weird, and when I said that I wanted to cancel the appointment I had scheduled in the future with her, she tried to convince me that the two were not related, when in fact they were. I saw how she reacted to an unusual situation and she didn't pass the test, and therefore I wasn't going to trust her with my inner feelings.
In contrast, my other therapist passes tests. She shows in many ways that she can handle it when I don't like her, when I go through things, etc.
It is such a relief to be with someone who is like an adult, who is settled enough with themselves that they can be a safe place for you on terms that are good for you, that are not about you taking care of them.
It's funny, when I am negotiating for my job offer, I am almost trying to take care of the company myself. It's just weird. I am the only one looking out for me. I'm in a good position where they probably want to do whatever they can to keep me, so I should really advocate for what will be good for me.
- - - -
Frustrating trying to find developmental trauma help as an adult
I've been increasingly upset because many trauma therapists don't seem to "get" attachment disorder or developmental trauma. They think they do, but then it becomes clear that even with a few hours of watching videos online or just observing the patterns, I know more about it than they do.
I keep getting frustrated by the misattunement.
The techniques for trauma in general are helpful to a point, but sometimes they are not great and can even make the problem worse, if the reactive attachment side is not being addressed properly.
I haven't found anyone yet who seems to understand the severity of it or who seems to offer advice that seems to match what it might take to fix it. I keep having people suggesting these approaches that seem to ignore how hard-wired and immediate and reflexive this problem can be.
I've read articles and books by these people, though, and that has been the most helpful thing.
Most of the real treatment centers for this are for children only. And people who treat it often charge $140+ per session.
This is why I've been thinking about stopping seeing my current therapist, who is so wonderful otherwise. I feel like I need to save my out-of-pocket therapy budget for books, resources, or occasional therapy with people who specialize in this very tricky and very intense disorder. It is hard handling it alone.
The subliminal mp3s like Anger Management and getting over the fear of being alone have been the thing that's helped me the most. Perhaps these are able to work on the subconscious where the problem exists.
The pitfalls:
-If I read too much about it in scholarly books, I tend to identify with it more or to get scared about the physical dangers of separation stress, because then I learn about all the biochemical changes from it.
-If I get trauma therapy, I get frustrated beyond belief that the therapy is "almost" good enough and how I "almost" feel safe, but then the therapists don't get the developmental trauma part (and this just reiterates the theme of the trauma, which is getting some connection and attunement, but not enough -- enough to make you hungry for it but not enough to let you relax. It can be maddening.)
-That is basically what generates the RAD anger: the extreme frustration of getting a little but having it be unpredictable or not quite what you need, so that you get your hopes up and then keep getting them dashed. You think, "Could they just make up their mind and stop tormenting me? Just be one or the other!"
-When I read about it in resources FOR people with RAD, I feel this amazing sense of happiness. Finally there is attunement. Finally someone gets why I do this, how much it scares me, how much I don't want to be like this, how much I just want to be able to have a good relationship without this causing my partner to turn away from me in painful ways.
-I think it's just that I am looking for people who understand, and people who understand but not quite are just extremely frustrating and almost retraumatizing at this point.
-I might be perfectionistic about this, but on the other hand, it's a common theme I see with therapy. Many therapists think they can handle cases they can't handle. It's like a family practice physician thinking he can handle every severe medical problem without referring to a specialist. It's because in therapy, it is less clear when an approach or a set of knowledge is inadequate for a case. Many therapists think "my approach can handle that," when sometimes it can't.
-Also, therapists are in business for themselves many times, rather than being employed by a practice, and so they have an interest in keeping patients. It is harder to refer to a specialist when this means losing some of your business.
-Basically, it is up to individual patients to recognize when they need more specialization than a particular therapist offers.
-Trying to deal with issues that a therapist is not adequately trained in can be as harmful as getting your cancer treated by someone without cancer training. We tend to think that if problems are just "emotional," then they are not serious, but I'm coming to see them as just another type of physical condition. If you can tell you have a serious physical condition or a serious "mental/emotional" condition, it's worth looking for the best care you can find.
-You know that feeling you get when you are with an expert whom you can trust, where you can tell they have enough knowledge and understanding of what's happening, and when what they recommend works better for you than anything you can come up with yourself? That is care worth paying for. Look for that.
And in its absence, treat yourself, because you might be the best you have.
Basically if you are more informed about the situation than a practitioner, don't just trust them because they have training. You might be more informed than they are about your particular condition. I have an easy time doing this with medical conditions but a harder time when it comes to emotional conditions, but I'm coming to see there is very little difference.
-I might keep seeing my current therapist sometimes because she is good at what she does, BUT I will talk about it with her and establish that I'm going to be the expert for my RAD issues since she is not as trained in this.
- - -
I keep getting frustrated by the misattunement.
The techniques for trauma in general are helpful to a point, but sometimes they are not great and can even make the problem worse, if the reactive attachment side is not being addressed properly.
I haven't found anyone yet who seems to understand the severity of it or who seems to offer advice that seems to match what it might take to fix it. I keep having people suggesting these approaches that seem to ignore how hard-wired and immediate and reflexive this problem can be.
I've read articles and books by these people, though, and that has been the most helpful thing.
Most of the real treatment centers for this are for children only. And people who treat it often charge $140+ per session.
This is why I've been thinking about stopping seeing my current therapist, who is so wonderful otherwise. I feel like I need to save my out-of-pocket therapy budget for books, resources, or occasional therapy with people who specialize in this very tricky and very intense disorder. It is hard handling it alone.
The subliminal mp3s like Anger Management and getting over the fear of being alone have been the thing that's helped me the most. Perhaps these are able to work on the subconscious where the problem exists.
The pitfalls:
-If I read too much about it in scholarly books, I tend to identify with it more or to get scared about the physical dangers of separation stress, because then I learn about all the biochemical changes from it.
-If I get trauma therapy, I get frustrated beyond belief that the therapy is "almost" good enough and how I "almost" feel safe, but then the therapists don't get the developmental trauma part (and this just reiterates the theme of the trauma, which is getting some connection and attunement, but not enough -- enough to make you hungry for it but not enough to let you relax. It can be maddening.)
-That is basically what generates the RAD anger: the extreme frustration of getting a little but having it be unpredictable or not quite what you need, so that you get your hopes up and then keep getting them dashed. You think, "Could they just make up their mind and stop tormenting me? Just be one or the other!"
-When I read about it in resources FOR people with RAD, I feel this amazing sense of happiness. Finally there is attunement. Finally someone gets why I do this, how much it scares me, how much I don't want to be like this, how much I just want to be able to have a good relationship without this causing my partner to turn away from me in painful ways.
-I think it's just that I am looking for people who understand, and people who understand but not quite are just extremely frustrating and almost retraumatizing at this point.
-I might be perfectionistic about this, but on the other hand, it's a common theme I see with therapy. Many therapists think they can handle cases they can't handle. It's like a family practice physician thinking he can handle every severe medical problem without referring to a specialist. It's because in therapy, it is less clear when an approach or a set of knowledge is inadequate for a case. Many therapists think "my approach can handle that," when sometimes it can't.
-Also, therapists are in business for themselves many times, rather than being employed by a practice, and so they have an interest in keeping patients. It is harder to refer to a specialist when this means losing some of your business.
-Basically, it is up to individual patients to recognize when they need more specialization than a particular therapist offers.
-Trying to deal with issues that a therapist is not adequately trained in can be as harmful as getting your cancer treated by someone without cancer training. We tend to think that if problems are just "emotional," then they are not serious, but I'm coming to see them as just another type of physical condition. If you can tell you have a serious physical condition or a serious "mental/emotional" condition, it's worth looking for the best care you can find.
-You know that feeling you get when you are with an expert whom you can trust, where you can tell they have enough knowledge and understanding of what's happening, and when what they recommend works better for you than anything you can come up with yourself? That is care worth paying for. Look for that.
And in its absence, treat yourself, because you might be the best you have.
Basically if you are more informed about the situation than a practitioner, don't just trust them because they have training. You might be more informed than they are about your particular condition. I have an easy time doing this with medical conditions but a harder time when it comes to emotional conditions, but I'm coming to see there is very little difference.
-I might keep seeing my current therapist sometimes because she is good at what she does, BUT I will talk about it with her and establish that I'm going to be the expert for my RAD issues since she is not as trained in this.
- - -
Acetyl l-carnitine really helps me
First, I had an amazing visit with my boyfriend.
The subliminal and brainwave mp3s and the Acetyl L-carnitine must really be helping, since it was basically effortless to hang out with him with no problems. He kept saying that it was great to be with someone who was also like an adult. I didn't have any of the problems I'd been having before. 't was just such a fun time.
Secondly, the Acetyl L-carnitine really, really helps.
I just had something happen that typically would have made me sad for hours, and which seemed like it was going to --
I met with a therapist to learn about a trauma group she runs, since I thought it might be a more affordable alternative to the individual therapy I've been attending.
She didn't mention that there was any cost for meeting her. When I started to leave, she said, how will you be paying for this? It's $70.
I said, I didn't realize I was paying anything for this. You didn't mention it.
I felt really surprised and taken advantage of, and I was almost certain she had not mentioned it in the emails. Also I probably would not have gone to see her if I knew it would cost something, since I've been having problems affording out-of-pocket therapy on a low budget while treating Lyme disease.
I felt so upset. I asked if I could give her half instead, and she said how about $40, so I gave her $40, but I felt really upset about it. That $40 would have otherwise bought a lot of groceries or two months of aloe vera juice or whatever.
I guess I've been feeling really angry about what therapy costs for me out of pocket. I've been seeing a really excellent therapist, but it's been costing almost as much as my rent. Now I have basically no savings. I guess I get sucked into it where I feel like something is wrong with me and I need help, and once you are in the habit of seeing a therapist, it gets complicated where it's hard to stop going for financial reasons because so much else is involved.
It's always really bugged me that therapists would expect you to PAY to come see them for a last time to have closure.
Anyway, after losing $40 to this informational session, when I decided not to attend the group anyway, I called my original therapist and said that I just couldn't come anymore for financial reasons. She was actually really considerate about it and suggested that she call me back and go over what we've accomplished, free, on the phone sometime.
It melted my heart, the particular way that she was validating how I felt and looking out for what would be good for me in the long run, and also validating my ability to keep working on my progress without her (she has respected my own abilities).
After that I felt, how can I leave this respectful arrangement, where someone actually looks out for me? It almost made me cry.
I guess in my family my dad and to some extent my mom were looking out for themselves and not thinking about what was good for me. That's why it melts me when my boyfriend thinks about what would be good for me, even if it is uncomfortable for him.
I probably have a tendency to treat others like my parents treated me. I might be like that somewhat with my boyfriend, where I want him to do certain things treatment-wise or with his life because I think it would be good for him. I could work on looking out for what is good for him even when it's not the best thing for me, basically wanting what's good for him for its own sake.
Anyway, I am fascinated by this other way that people can treat one another, and I guess I want to keep seeing this therapist if only to learn about this other possibility. But probably every other week since once a week is not affordable.
I'm a little scared by the intimacy. what will happen when I eventually need to move on? It's a little weird having an intimate connection with a professional person. And she says that in comparison with many of her clients, I hold myself back more.
It's also weird because therapy seems to pick at my scabs. I can be doing fine, then I go to therapy and it stirs things up again.
It definitely is helping me in the long run, where I express myself more and I get sick less and I can talk about things without getting as reactive.
Maybe it would help if I still got help from my dad for therapy, like half what he has been giving me. It helps to have money for therapy and Lyme treatment, since these are just hard to afford on a low budget as a young worker, someone who still qualifies for state health insurance and is within some range of the federal poverty guidelines.
I guess I've been so, so eager to get out from under him and to make him happy that I've been trying to give up treatments that help me, but maybe I should just be more patient. As long as he sees things are moving forward he'll be happy, and I can make the transition to being on my own more slowly. I'm still definitely in a needy phase where I need a lot of treatment, support, special nutrition, etc., and the more I build myself up now (I'm seeing) the better results I get and the more I can handle later on.
I guess it's a model of building yourself up to where you are very strong, and then being able to handle life, rather than throwing yourself into life before you are ready and just trying to survive by force of will and deprivation. I've done the latter most of my life because it was encouraged by my dad.
I also realized from my boyfriend that I seem to have a real problem with confrontation. It makes me realize that in my job, I should really try to advocate for what I truly want, which is a job based not solely on hours but basically on what I accomplish. I should try to show them how that is better for them and how they can still measure my performance.
Anyway, after all of this, I took some acetyl l-carnitine, and I feel so much better. The nervous system pain almost went away and I feel decent and competent and happy.
This stuff (ALCAR) is SO freaking helpful for trauma, for those really intense trigger feelings. Just takes down the intensity and pain level for me. It does disturb my sleep, though, if I take it after noon or so.
- - -
The subliminal and brainwave mp3s and the Acetyl L-carnitine must really be helping, since it was basically effortless to hang out with him with no problems. He kept saying that it was great to be with someone who was also like an adult. I didn't have any of the problems I'd been having before. 't was just such a fun time.
Secondly, the Acetyl L-carnitine really, really helps.
I just had something happen that typically would have made me sad for hours, and which seemed like it was going to --
I met with a therapist to learn about a trauma group she runs, since I thought it might be a more affordable alternative to the individual therapy I've been attending.
She didn't mention that there was any cost for meeting her. When I started to leave, she said, how will you be paying for this? It's $70.
I said, I didn't realize I was paying anything for this. You didn't mention it.
I felt really surprised and taken advantage of, and I was almost certain she had not mentioned it in the emails. Also I probably would not have gone to see her if I knew it would cost something, since I've been having problems affording out-of-pocket therapy on a low budget while treating Lyme disease.
I felt so upset. I asked if I could give her half instead, and she said how about $40, so I gave her $40, but I felt really upset about it. That $40 would have otherwise bought a lot of groceries or two months of aloe vera juice or whatever.
I guess I've been feeling really angry about what therapy costs for me out of pocket. I've been seeing a really excellent therapist, but it's been costing almost as much as my rent. Now I have basically no savings. I guess I get sucked into it where I feel like something is wrong with me and I need help, and once you are in the habit of seeing a therapist, it gets complicated where it's hard to stop going for financial reasons because so much else is involved.
It's always really bugged me that therapists would expect you to PAY to come see them for a last time to have closure.
Anyway, after losing $40 to this informational session, when I decided not to attend the group anyway, I called my original therapist and said that I just couldn't come anymore for financial reasons. She was actually really considerate about it and suggested that she call me back and go over what we've accomplished, free, on the phone sometime.
It melted my heart, the particular way that she was validating how I felt and looking out for what would be good for me in the long run, and also validating my ability to keep working on my progress without her (she has respected my own abilities).
After that I felt, how can I leave this respectful arrangement, where someone actually looks out for me? It almost made me cry.
I guess in my family my dad and to some extent my mom were looking out for themselves and not thinking about what was good for me. That's why it melts me when my boyfriend thinks about what would be good for me, even if it is uncomfortable for him.
I probably have a tendency to treat others like my parents treated me. I might be like that somewhat with my boyfriend, where I want him to do certain things treatment-wise or with his life because I think it would be good for him. I could work on looking out for what is good for him even when it's not the best thing for me, basically wanting what's good for him for its own sake.
Anyway, I am fascinated by this other way that people can treat one another, and I guess I want to keep seeing this therapist if only to learn about this other possibility. But probably every other week since once a week is not affordable.
I'm a little scared by the intimacy. what will happen when I eventually need to move on? It's a little weird having an intimate connection with a professional person. And she says that in comparison with many of her clients, I hold myself back more.
It's also weird because therapy seems to pick at my scabs. I can be doing fine, then I go to therapy and it stirs things up again.
It definitely is helping me in the long run, where I express myself more and I get sick less and I can talk about things without getting as reactive.
Maybe it would help if I still got help from my dad for therapy, like half what he has been giving me. It helps to have money for therapy and Lyme treatment, since these are just hard to afford on a low budget as a young worker, someone who still qualifies for state health insurance and is within some range of the federal poverty guidelines.
I guess I've been so, so eager to get out from under him and to make him happy that I've been trying to give up treatments that help me, but maybe I should just be more patient. As long as he sees things are moving forward he'll be happy, and I can make the transition to being on my own more slowly. I'm still definitely in a needy phase where I need a lot of treatment, support, special nutrition, etc., and the more I build myself up now (I'm seeing) the better results I get and the more I can handle later on.
I guess it's a model of building yourself up to where you are very strong, and then being able to handle life, rather than throwing yourself into life before you are ready and just trying to survive by force of will and deprivation. I've done the latter most of my life because it was encouraged by my dad.
I also realized from my boyfriend that I seem to have a real problem with confrontation. It makes me realize that in my job, I should really try to advocate for what I truly want, which is a job based not solely on hours but basically on what I accomplish. I should try to show them how that is better for them and how they can still measure my performance.
Anyway, after all of this, I took some acetyl l-carnitine, and I feel so much better. The nervous system pain almost went away and I feel decent and competent and happy.
This stuff (ALCAR) is SO freaking helpful for trauma, for those really intense trigger feelings. Just takes down the intensity and pain level for me. It does disturb my sleep, though, if I take it after noon or so.
- - -
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Making attachment challenges smaller rather than expecting myself to be normal immediately
I just had a good insight about the attachment disorder challenges.
I realize that if I am just easier on myself and more accepting of the way that distancing/separation are challenges for me, and if I try to ameliorate the suffering, then I am more likely to stay in good emotional condition where I can retain self-control.
I think what I've been doing is basically trying to become a normal person, as though I didn't have these challenges, as fast as possible by just expecting myself to handle any separation challenge through self-control alone.
But then after more and more of these challenges, where I'm keeping up a good face and denying the pain and stress I'm going through, one challenge at some point breaks my self-control and I crash.
Continual coping really is not a good long-term plan for optimal behavior and self-control. We are able to cope effectively and control ourselves for short periods, but when it goes on for days our ability goes down. There's such a thing as self-control fatigue, documented in research.
So the thing for me to do is to bite off small, manageable chunks of separation/attachment challenge. Like after this phone call, I'm going to sleep with one of his clothing items, just to feel safer, since it did make me scared about our closeness.
- - -
I had a good breakthrough with my boyfriend, where the two of us finally realized that he probably has no idea what the abandonment triggers feel like for me because he hasn't experienced it in this way and does not have PTSD from it.
I said, 'Imagine that you are in a spaceship and you are sent out alone hurtling through space in a solo spaceship, and then all connection to earth and humanity is cut off, the power dies, and you will be alone forever and die in space.'
Even a mild separation or letting him get off the phone after what felt like an argument without making up can feel like that. There's this panicky feeling of, am I throwing myself to my doom if I let this separation happen?
It is really too bad I have baby PTSD. But it helps SO much that between the two of us, at least we have an acknowledgment that it might be more severe than he can understand. That helps so much.
I did have really good emotional control while we were talking. I've been doing really well lately. I think these binaural and subliminal tracks are helping, even if from placebo effect. If it's placebo effect, that would be impressive - that my body knew how to fix itself once given permission to do so.
I really do want to get over this.
Here's an interesting question. If I got over it, then what? I'd probably be closer with my boyfriend and see him more. Maybe that scares me a little bit. Maybe I need to work on feeling really excited about life without attachment disorder, and feeling ok with things that might happen if I didn't have it, in order to feel ok moving on.
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I realize that if I am just easier on myself and more accepting of the way that distancing/separation are challenges for me, and if I try to ameliorate the suffering, then I am more likely to stay in good emotional condition where I can retain self-control.
I think what I've been doing is basically trying to become a normal person, as though I didn't have these challenges, as fast as possible by just expecting myself to handle any separation challenge through self-control alone.
But then after more and more of these challenges, where I'm keeping up a good face and denying the pain and stress I'm going through, one challenge at some point breaks my self-control and I crash.
Continual coping really is not a good long-term plan for optimal behavior and self-control. We are able to cope effectively and control ourselves for short periods, but when it goes on for days our ability goes down. There's such a thing as self-control fatigue, documented in research.
So the thing for me to do is to bite off small, manageable chunks of separation/attachment challenge. Like after this phone call, I'm going to sleep with one of his clothing items, just to feel safer, since it did make me scared about our closeness.
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I had a good breakthrough with my boyfriend, where the two of us finally realized that he probably has no idea what the abandonment triggers feel like for me because he hasn't experienced it in this way and does not have PTSD from it.
I said, 'Imagine that you are in a spaceship and you are sent out alone hurtling through space in a solo spaceship, and then all connection to earth and humanity is cut off, the power dies, and you will be alone forever and die in space.'
Even a mild separation or letting him get off the phone after what felt like an argument without making up can feel like that. There's this panicky feeling of, am I throwing myself to my doom if I let this separation happen?
It is really too bad I have baby PTSD. But it helps SO much that between the two of us, at least we have an acknowledgment that it might be more severe than he can understand. That helps so much.
I did have really good emotional control while we were talking. I've been doing really well lately. I think these binaural and subliminal tracks are helping, even if from placebo effect. If it's placebo effect, that would be impressive - that my body knew how to fix itself once given permission to do so.
I really do want to get over this.
Here's an interesting question. If I got over it, then what? I'd probably be closer with my boyfriend and see him more. Maybe that scares me a little bit. Maybe I need to work on feeling really excited about life without attachment disorder, and feeling ok with things that might happen if I didn't have it, in order to feel ok moving on.
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