http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92D15qtI_Gk
I love how you can see how it just takes a while to get it, and it's scary to believe it, like it's too good to be true.
Because many of the after-effects of parental abuse or neglect DO come across as someone's fault.
You go through life with people saying you should do things differently, that you're not behaving right, that you're making bad decisions, that you're over-reacting, that you don't know how to stand up for yourself, that you're too perfectionistic, etc.
It seems like if you're an adult, you're supposed to magically provide anything you didn't get as a kid, even if it is hard to obtain properly especially without a lot of income. People use whatever skills they did get to try to cover for what they don't have but can end up with less-than-optimal solutions.
- - -
The line that gets to me the most is "don't fuck with me," because I know exactly how that feels. and i've said the same thing to people.
It's like, don't you dare hurt me by being sort of there and making me feel safe and then coming in for the blow just as I open up and get vulnerable. Don't you dare put me through another round of getting my hopes up and then getting disappointed.
It means that when you are going through this, you do need to be careful to feel out people before trusting them.
The therapist I saw this morning was not trustworthy and not someone safe for me. When she realized I had no idea I was paying for finding out about the group, she insisted she had told me (she hadn't) and acted weird, and when I said that I wanted to cancel the appointment I had scheduled in the future with her, she tried to convince me that the two were not related, when in fact they were. I saw how she reacted to an unusual situation and she didn't pass the test, and therefore I wasn't going to trust her with my inner feelings.
In contrast, my other therapist passes tests. She shows in many ways that she can handle it when I don't like her, when I go through things, etc.
It is such a relief to be with someone who is like an adult, who is settled enough with themselves that they can be a safe place for you on terms that are good for you, that are not about you taking care of them.
It's funny, when I am negotiating for my job offer, I am almost trying to take care of the company myself. It's just weird. I am the only one looking out for me. I'm in a good position where they probably want to do whatever they can to keep me, so I should really advocate for what will be good for me.
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Showing posts with label early trauma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label early trauma. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Acetyl l-carnitine really helps me
First, I had an amazing visit with my boyfriend.
The subliminal and brainwave mp3s and the Acetyl L-carnitine must really be helping, since it was basically effortless to hang out with him with no problems. He kept saying that it was great to be with someone who was also like an adult. I didn't have any of the problems I'd been having before. 't was just such a fun time.
Secondly, the Acetyl L-carnitine really, really helps.
I just had something happen that typically would have made me sad for hours, and which seemed like it was going to --
I met with a therapist to learn about a trauma group she runs, since I thought it might be a more affordable alternative to the individual therapy I've been attending.
She didn't mention that there was any cost for meeting her. When I started to leave, she said, how will you be paying for this? It's $70.
I said, I didn't realize I was paying anything for this. You didn't mention it.
I felt really surprised and taken advantage of, and I was almost certain she had not mentioned it in the emails. Also I probably would not have gone to see her if I knew it would cost something, since I've been having problems affording out-of-pocket therapy on a low budget while treating Lyme disease.
I felt so upset. I asked if I could give her half instead, and she said how about $40, so I gave her $40, but I felt really upset about it. That $40 would have otherwise bought a lot of groceries or two months of aloe vera juice or whatever.
I guess I've been feeling really angry about what therapy costs for me out of pocket. I've been seeing a really excellent therapist, but it's been costing almost as much as my rent. Now I have basically no savings. I guess I get sucked into it where I feel like something is wrong with me and I need help, and once you are in the habit of seeing a therapist, it gets complicated where it's hard to stop going for financial reasons because so much else is involved.
It's always really bugged me that therapists would expect you to PAY to come see them for a last time to have closure.
Anyway, after losing $40 to this informational session, when I decided not to attend the group anyway, I called my original therapist and said that I just couldn't come anymore for financial reasons. She was actually really considerate about it and suggested that she call me back and go over what we've accomplished, free, on the phone sometime.
It melted my heart, the particular way that she was validating how I felt and looking out for what would be good for me in the long run, and also validating my ability to keep working on my progress without her (she has respected my own abilities).
After that I felt, how can I leave this respectful arrangement, where someone actually looks out for me? It almost made me cry.
I guess in my family my dad and to some extent my mom were looking out for themselves and not thinking about what was good for me. That's why it melts me when my boyfriend thinks about what would be good for me, even if it is uncomfortable for him.
I probably have a tendency to treat others like my parents treated me. I might be like that somewhat with my boyfriend, where I want him to do certain things treatment-wise or with his life because I think it would be good for him. I could work on looking out for what is good for him even when it's not the best thing for me, basically wanting what's good for him for its own sake.
Anyway, I am fascinated by this other way that people can treat one another, and I guess I want to keep seeing this therapist if only to learn about this other possibility. But probably every other week since once a week is not affordable.
I'm a little scared by the intimacy. what will happen when I eventually need to move on? It's a little weird having an intimate connection with a professional person. And she says that in comparison with many of her clients, I hold myself back more.
It's also weird because therapy seems to pick at my scabs. I can be doing fine, then I go to therapy and it stirs things up again.
It definitely is helping me in the long run, where I express myself more and I get sick less and I can talk about things without getting as reactive.
Maybe it would help if I still got help from my dad for therapy, like half what he has been giving me. It helps to have money for therapy and Lyme treatment, since these are just hard to afford on a low budget as a young worker, someone who still qualifies for state health insurance and is within some range of the federal poverty guidelines.
I guess I've been so, so eager to get out from under him and to make him happy that I've been trying to give up treatments that help me, but maybe I should just be more patient. As long as he sees things are moving forward he'll be happy, and I can make the transition to being on my own more slowly. I'm still definitely in a needy phase where I need a lot of treatment, support, special nutrition, etc., and the more I build myself up now (I'm seeing) the better results I get and the more I can handle later on.
I guess it's a model of building yourself up to where you are very strong, and then being able to handle life, rather than throwing yourself into life before you are ready and just trying to survive by force of will and deprivation. I've done the latter most of my life because it was encouraged by my dad.
I also realized from my boyfriend that I seem to have a real problem with confrontation. It makes me realize that in my job, I should really try to advocate for what I truly want, which is a job based not solely on hours but basically on what I accomplish. I should try to show them how that is better for them and how they can still measure my performance.
Anyway, after all of this, I took some acetyl l-carnitine, and I feel so much better. The nervous system pain almost went away and I feel decent and competent and happy.
This stuff (ALCAR) is SO freaking helpful for trauma, for those really intense trigger feelings. Just takes down the intensity and pain level for me. It does disturb my sleep, though, if I take it after noon or so.
- - -
The subliminal and brainwave mp3s and the Acetyl L-carnitine must really be helping, since it was basically effortless to hang out with him with no problems. He kept saying that it was great to be with someone who was also like an adult. I didn't have any of the problems I'd been having before. 't was just such a fun time.
Secondly, the Acetyl L-carnitine really, really helps.
I just had something happen that typically would have made me sad for hours, and which seemed like it was going to --
I met with a therapist to learn about a trauma group she runs, since I thought it might be a more affordable alternative to the individual therapy I've been attending.
She didn't mention that there was any cost for meeting her. When I started to leave, she said, how will you be paying for this? It's $70.
I said, I didn't realize I was paying anything for this. You didn't mention it.
I felt really surprised and taken advantage of, and I was almost certain she had not mentioned it in the emails. Also I probably would not have gone to see her if I knew it would cost something, since I've been having problems affording out-of-pocket therapy on a low budget while treating Lyme disease.
I felt so upset. I asked if I could give her half instead, and she said how about $40, so I gave her $40, but I felt really upset about it. That $40 would have otherwise bought a lot of groceries or two months of aloe vera juice or whatever.
I guess I've been feeling really angry about what therapy costs for me out of pocket. I've been seeing a really excellent therapist, but it's been costing almost as much as my rent. Now I have basically no savings. I guess I get sucked into it where I feel like something is wrong with me and I need help, and once you are in the habit of seeing a therapist, it gets complicated where it's hard to stop going for financial reasons because so much else is involved.
It's always really bugged me that therapists would expect you to PAY to come see them for a last time to have closure.
Anyway, after losing $40 to this informational session, when I decided not to attend the group anyway, I called my original therapist and said that I just couldn't come anymore for financial reasons. She was actually really considerate about it and suggested that she call me back and go over what we've accomplished, free, on the phone sometime.
It melted my heart, the particular way that she was validating how I felt and looking out for what would be good for me in the long run, and also validating my ability to keep working on my progress without her (she has respected my own abilities).
After that I felt, how can I leave this respectful arrangement, where someone actually looks out for me? It almost made me cry.
I guess in my family my dad and to some extent my mom were looking out for themselves and not thinking about what was good for me. That's why it melts me when my boyfriend thinks about what would be good for me, even if it is uncomfortable for him.
I probably have a tendency to treat others like my parents treated me. I might be like that somewhat with my boyfriend, where I want him to do certain things treatment-wise or with his life because I think it would be good for him. I could work on looking out for what is good for him even when it's not the best thing for me, basically wanting what's good for him for its own sake.
Anyway, I am fascinated by this other way that people can treat one another, and I guess I want to keep seeing this therapist if only to learn about this other possibility. But probably every other week since once a week is not affordable.
I'm a little scared by the intimacy. what will happen when I eventually need to move on? It's a little weird having an intimate connection with a professional person. And she says that in comparison with many of her clients, I hold myself back more.
It's also weird because therapy seems to pick at my scabs. I can be doing fine, then I go to therapy and it stirs things up again.
It definitely is helping me in the long run, where I express myself more and I get sick less and I can talk about things without getting as reactive.
Maybe it would help if I still got help from my dad for therapy, like half what he has been giving me. It helps to have money for therapy and Lyme treatment, since these are just hard to afford on a low budget as a young worker, someone who still qualifies for state health insurance and is within some range of the federal poverty guidelines.
I guess I've been so, so eager to get out from under him and to make him happy that I've been trying to give up treatments that help me, but maybe I should just be more patient. As long as he sees things are moving forward he'll be happy, and I can make the transition to being on my own more slowly. I'm still definitely in a needy phase where I need a lot of treatment, support, special nutrition, etc., and the more I build myself up now (I'm seeing) the better results I get and the more I can handle later on.
I guess it's a model of building yourself up to where you are very strong, and then being able to handle life, rather than throwing yourself into life before you are ready and just trying to survive by force of will and deprivation. I've done the latter most of my life because it was encouraged by my dad.
I also realized from my boyfriend that I seem to have a real problem with confrontation. It makes me realize that in my job, I should really try to advocate for what I truly want, which is a job based not solely on hours but basically on what I accomplish. I should try to show them how that is better for them and how they can still measure my performance.
Anyway, after all of this, I took some acetyl l-carnitine, and I feel so much better. The nervous system pain almost went away and I feel decent and competent and happy.
This stuff (ALCAR) is SO freaking helpful for trauma, for those really intense trigger feelings. Just takes down the intensity and pain level for me. It does disturb my sleep, though, if I take it after noon or so.
- - -
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Examining fear of being alone
So now I am listening to the track about "Overcoming the Fear of Being Alone."
It was funny, maybe I was imagining it, but I think this track made me really freak out and start shaking.
I have such an intense primal fear of being alone, probably from when I was a baby. I realized earlier today that I find it very, very easy to sound convincing if I say "I'm a baby," but I don't sound convincing when I say "I'm an adult."
I think I had enough trauma as a baby that I'm still stuck there and part of me thinks I'm still in that state where I'm not competent to do much for others.
Listening to this track I guess I realize that while being alone is very dangerous for babies, it's not dangerous for me in my 20s. (This actually comes as a big surprise for me!)
Has anything bad ever happened to me because of being alone? Well, some social stimulation deprivation, but that's to be expected, just the same as if you didn't eat enough food and felt hungry. But beyond that, there hasn't been anything too dangerous about being alone. I haven't been eaten by wild animals, for example.
- - -
It was funny, maybe I was imagining it, but I think this track made me really freak out and start shaking.
I have such an intense primal fear of being alone, probably from when I was a baby. I realized earlier today that I find it very, very easy to sound convincing if I say "I'm a baby," but I don't sound convincing when I say "I'm an adult."
I think I had enough trauma as a baby that I'm still stuck there and part of me thinks I'm still in that state where I'm not competent to do much for others.
Listening to this track I guess I realize that while being alone is very dangerous for babies, it's not dangerous for me in my 20s. (This actually comes as a big surprise for me!)
Has anything bad ever happened to me because of being alone? Well, some social stimulation deprivation, but that's to be expected, just the same as if you didn't eat enough food and felt hungry. But beyond that, there hasn't been anything too dangerous about being alone. I haven't been eaten by wild animals, for example.
- - -
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